Crack assembling his life

2002-08-19T01:41:00.000-07:00

i'm moving to LJ so it's easier for other ppl to read. ^_^ okie bai bai

lj id=pyronikari

so it's what

http://www.livejournal.com/users/pyronikari/

2002-07-30T04:32:00.000-07:00

i had an interesting dream last night. i wish it wasn't a dream though. it wasn't anything bad or anything, an honest sweet dream. something special that i know'll never happen ever. i'm such a pessimist. I don't know it'll never happen but i really don't think it will. But what bothers me is that i still do.

ugh nevermind i shouldn't be typing this anyways.

In other news Hazel's b-day is august 1st. Which means she'll be 17. ^_^ She's all of the growing up-age. hahaha. well i am going up this thursday night to hang out with her and stuff. Such a sweet kid, why is she attracted to me? @_@ Man in the end she'll prlly get a lot of knowledge from all this, but geez, i'm a total psycho asshole.

Things on my mind have been little lately. School work, need to set them both up. The rest is just taconess.

2002-07-17T03:44:00.000-07:00

oh wow that's suprising. I decide to IM Thy(who i rarely see on anymore) just to say hi. She tells me something that totally suprises me.

Apparently she came in contact with my friend Michelle. This goes way back, to where no one would know her except for Thy.

In kindergarten i had a best friend named Toshi. Japanese kid(which is where i first got into japanese culture and anime etc.) who lived down the street from me. Well the first day of school we introduce ourselves and there's this girl michelle. Pretty smart girl and she was totally nice. So me n' her hung out all the time and Toshi was always there with us.

Yeah i was a pervert even back then... well Michelle and Thy hung out all the time and they were good friends. I convenient layed on the ground and they liked to sit on the benches... hurrah for skirts and unknowing girls... HAHHHAHA She moved early in 1st grade so i barely remember her. I wonder what's become of her... wonder what she looks like(hahahahhahahahah) ^_^ hopefully i'll get to see her.

2002-07-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

ok,you ever have that one dream that's just sooooooooo wild you have to remember it and write it down, that was last night.

me n' a few people are treasure hunters of some sort and we found a ruins within a shopping/entertainment center. Only problem was the entrance was in a public spot and the last thing we needed was a bunch of people finding our treasure. So we can't let anyone see us enter the cave. I am the first one to head towards it when something happens so i can't. Some guy starts talking to me and i'm like, uh... ok whatever yeah yeah uh huh. Through a crack of this door i can see him leave and pick up a little girl on this miniature golf course. I'm like whatever it's prolly his daughter(by little i mean like 4). He starts picking her up... then feeling her up.

At this point i'm weirded the fuck out. I see him run off so i go outside to look
now he's grabbing some other kid. He puts the kid down and starts to walk somewhere. A pair of cops say "Excuse me sir we'd like you to stop so we can ask you something." The pedophile guy starts looking around and sees me, i start to take off but he catches me and pins me to the ground with a knife to my chest. It's cutting me put it's not completely in. He keeps saying "don't want me to kill you do you, don't want me to push it all the way through.After about 10 min or so i look up and i see my friend andy(no not kidzero...) and someone else that i can't recognize. They pick me up and they're like, you alright? I'm all, yeah where'd the guy go? They tell me he left about 30 min ago and i passed out due to blood loss. I look down and i've been cleaned up but the knife is still there.

For somereason though they didn't take me to the hospital they took me around the center where i ran into Dan Dan who told me off and ran away. So we leave and we're sitting in front of a baseball field and i stare at the knife wondering. I start thinking about a lot of stuff. About some people and i started crying. A guy goes "you're lucky the psycho didn't know what he was doing. If that were an in. down he may have killed you, but right now he just hit your plate there's no way that thing could go in anydeeper. So he pushed on the knife a little which hurt like a bitch but didn't go anywhere. He pulls it out, covered in blood and hands it to me.

So i woke up and heard Region1 say "we should get some food and leave the empty bags next to mikey when he wakes up" he said my name so i woke up... i flipped him off and went back to sleep.

2002-07-10T00:45:00.000-07:00

not bad, only 2 1/2 weeks this time ^_^

AX not much to say about it really. I had a great time... but it exhausted the hell outta me.

iPlay hanging out a lot of, mike, helen, h0-con... Karaoke contest and stuff. it was great.

As i wtire in this journal i realize that i don't like writing here anymore. Everything that's meaningful i write in my other blog, so everything else here is just... unimportant. Almost just ramblings that don't belong in the other blog. Recently the personal stuff that i'd usually blog are too personaly for just general random people. I really don't have much to say in here.

The only thing really is Karrie and Helen... i don't know where i'm walking... i think i'm walking into a bush though.

2002-06-27T01:41:00.000-07:00

lalalalla.

It's been about a month so where am i. Still at h0-con. In 2 days i'm going to norcal for KoolDown. I getta hang out with all the #FY people and meet Moku and a few others. Gonna watch horror movies and scare the hell outta hazel. Oh btw, me n' hazel are pretty close, no relationship because of distance, but we're good friends.

well karrie and I are still close, but i figuire she needs time for herself, and she told me to do this. I'm gonna listen to her ^_^.

H0-con is just as close as always and we're fucking around having the time of our lives. I need to figuire some stuff out but i'm all good right now.

Not much to say other than that. I'm sure you talk to me enough to know what's going on in my life, if not, you should ^_^. It works better than reading this piece of crap that records my life.

2002-05-31T05:08:00.000-07:00

ah so i had a really really really really bad day... -_-.

before i get into that, let's play a lil' game of mikey's status with others.

Hazel, Helen, Erin... Karrie. Hazel's still trying to figuire me out, what i want, what i think of her. It's very amusing to see her try and figuire me out. Helen, she barely knows me... but it's scary how influential i can be to her. I can get into her head and make her look a direction or change her mind so easily. Erin, she was my ex... but she looks to highly of me. I care about the girl a lot... but she sees it differently. She thinks she's falling in love with me... true or not, it's not something i can do in return. Then Karrie, the one that's different than them all. All the others ones have an attraction to me... Hazel and Helen i know is more physical than anything else, though they are starting to get to know my personality and i think they both like it. Erin thinks i'm the greatest person in the world who actually cares about her when no one else will. The three are all after me in some way or another. But then there's Karrie who i can't figuire out. I really like this girl(not to say i don't like any of the others... but that's an entirely different story, and one they need to figuire out on their own). But i can't get a stron hold of what Karrie wants. It really gets to me because she's the hardest person i've ever come across to figuire out their real emotion. I know where i stand with everyone, Karrie knows where i stand with her, the other three need to figuire out where i stand with them.

Mikey update is done XD

Ok well the most horrible day evare. Me n' region2 are supposed to goto mitsuwa to meet up with kate and karrie. We're supposed to meet at 6 and pic up Sexy Commando Masaru and just hang out for a while. Well we leave at 5:45... only to realize the car won't start. After a while we figuire out the battery is dead and we need to replace. We get Tomo to take us to the Block to borrow money from Ben to buy a battery to replace it. Well the problem is Tomo needs to go pick up Ricky so there's no time. 6:10 we borrow ben's car and head back to region1's apartment to grab his License and wallet. Get to the 405 6:20... 6:24, BBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGGGGGGG! "WTF WAS THAT" the Driver said front tire popped, no clue why, we start sliding and end up in the carpool lane when the car dies. Oh... fuck. We're gonna get his or something... The car won't start. FUCK highway patrol says he'll be right back we call Ben who tells us that his battery sometimes comes loose so the car might start if we straighten it. Region2 gets out and tries, no start. We call Ben and he says try to start in neutral. It starts and the Highway Patrol officer is just beginning to block traffic for us to get across. We get into the shoulder and begin to change the tire. 6:54... uhm, no hope in getting to Mitsuwa anymore ;_;. We change the tire and we're off, 7:12 "Why doesn't this feel/sound right?" We stop and look the spare is completely flat. Oh fuck... -_- we get to a gas station and fill it with air. We drive off 4 min later it's flat again... AWWW FUCK! So we drive from Mitsuwa in Costa Mesa to The Block riding on his rim. The spare was tore apart and the rim was sorta scratched up. -_- 9:32 we arrive and get Ricky to take us home. We had a drinking BBQ party to make up for it though so it was all good i suppose.

Had an amusing talk with Jenny last night. Learned a lil' about stuffs. hahahah

Furuba... i saw the end of it. OMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SAD! This is the second time i teared this much during a movie/anime/show/clip. the first was Grave of the Fireflies(who didn't cry?!?!). SOOOOOOOO SO GOOD!

ah that's it for now, have fun kiddies.

2002-05-27T04:01:00.000-07:00

Hurrah for Mahoro! i have a nice lil' mahoro resin that ben got me XDDDDDDDDDDD... hahaha been expanding anime/music interests this past week or so.

hmmm, had interesting convos about sex and stuff with th FY ppls. Hana needs to learn about society and grow some fucking balls. The only reason i pick on him is so he'll finally get it. It's not been working -_-. Why do people take such a different view on me now. I haven't changed... i've just grown a new perspective/POV. heh... but that's not important to most of you because you don't really know me as well as you think and it really doesn't matter.

i wanna say thanks to mao_li for drawing pic of me XD hahahha it kicks ass because of the random humor value in my stupidity. Also thanks to Moku who is also gonna draw a pic of me because she thinks i'm kool and i owe her 4:12 of time as her slave at AX.

#megatokyo... seriously this room contains some of the stupidest newbie retarded whores i've ever seen. take for example... right now i'm "arguing" with this guy named right now.

l33t speak is retarded
* CrackPr0n-EET-Lolicon continues blogging
and that would explain why he said l33t rather than leet :P

he's trying to get me to argue because for some reason he thinks he's better than me. Watching this kid talk was pathetic. I've argued with stupid people before but he actually argued without putting any reasoning or ideas in it. However he's not as stupid as STL from the MT Forums. That is breeding ground for stupidity. If you disprove someone they are like "uhm.. NO YOU'RE WRONG! YOU STUPID ASS" when i proved them wrong like5309853405 ways. -_- if i could just stab them i'd be happy hahahahha... of course i'm anti-violent so i wouldn't.

Tomo is awesome. When i was gone at E3 she was telling charles she missed me and that she wanted her lil' bro(me) to come back home. HAHHAHAHAHHA. She's awesome, she's a super kick ass girl as a g/f, a dope ass friend, and she cooks for me when i tell her not too and it's pretty damn good. I should get her something when i get money.i dunno what but yeah.

Alice is in Asia and so is Godden. We got really drunk(well i was buzzed slightly) for her going away party and... well... it's not important ^_^

Not much else has happened other than what everyone knows(or i don't want ppl to know) XD

2002-05-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

lalalallala... E3 sucked. No games i wanted to see at all etc. etc.

I saw Battle Royale... finally -_-. Ok Take away the pointless bloody violence, it's still a DAMN GOOD movie. It shows people and what they're really like. You have your groups of people. Those that care and will do what they can for someone else. Those that can't stand it and will find any escape they can. Those who will kill anyone to achieve their goal. Those who will try to press on against odds they can't. Those who are weak and try to press on but crumble under pressure. Those who act irrationally because of fear not knowing what they're doing until it's over.

All of the class could be placed in one of those categories... All humans belong in one of those groups. The character i found myself relating to almost perfectly was Nanahara.

9th grade. Heh, can you remember your 9th grade? Just turning a freshman... what was so important to you back then? Ha girls... games... friends for me. I just started competeing in tournaments. I had a huge crush on Caroline Nguyen. School was school, no worries other than small things. Now i'm in a situation where i have to kill all my classmates or die. What would i do? I honestly wouldn't know. The group we had in that class. I can almost pull out names and say what they'd become. I'm a good judge of people sorta. I'd know who'd try to kill me, and i know who'd be too scared. Who would try to find a way out.

I wouldn't want to kill any of my classmates. But if i were forced to i would kill... Broaden the circle. Not classmates, but close friends. Then how about just aquantinces. What would you do then. Could you kill them, or would you be killed by them. You can't trust people. I tell a lot of people that, but they still trust me. I try to make it obvious they shouldn't... though they still do. I sorta feel bad, because i'm an asshole. I am a nice guy, in how i treat people and what i think of people. But i'm still an asshole. I'm everything i warn people about and i tell them that, They laugh and hug me and think i'm joking. -=/ i'm not.... i'm fucked up.

2002-05-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

ah crack explains his adventures in clubbing.

club one "Boogie" in Anaheim.
We got there pretty late, i think 11:30 and it closed at 2. Well we get there and they yell at me "You can't have ripped jeans" i was like, MOTHER FUCK! So Tomo, Ricky, and region1 go in, Region2 takes me home so i can change. Get back and we head to the second dance stage. Circle dancing blah look at everyone stand around and not dance. Hell i can't fucking dance at all, but i'll dance anyways. I start dancing, Region 1/2, Tomo, Ricky all stare at me for a second. "I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T DANCE!!!" I'm all o_0??? i can't...

CBout 20 min later it's 12:45 and they make a huge circle so we all stop dancing and ppl just stand around. Ugh, so i'm just chillin and stuff amused at all the guys check out Tomo when they walk by. Hahahahhaha. There's like, no good looking girls here, how amusing. There's this one asian girl... i think Chinese. She's not that good looking but i figuire maybe i'll dance with her just for sakes of i'm bored. Some guy starts dancing with her and totally feeling up on her. It was weird as fuck to see. So i just went blah, prolly going out. Danced a good while, Drank a long island iced tea(well half of two of them actually) and the club closed. Had a pretty fun time just messing around. Region 2 later tells me that the chinese girl was totally checking us out, but thought we were gay because we were standing next to each other -_- I'M NOT FUCKING GAY. Headed home drank some more and crashed out. All in all my first clubbing experience was fun. Got complimented on my dancing a few times(which still bothers me), just chilled.

Club Two Teknoclub in LA
Well we showed up at 2 o'clock(fuck no more alcohol). The music was like 100000X better, but there was virtually no dancing. it worked like this 20% just bounced up and down to the music, 75% were high off their fucking minds 4% were fucked up but dancing, 1% were me alice region1/2, tomo, and ricky. We actually danced but felt like not because no one else was and there was no alcohol. There were a bunch of cute girls... well, a handful. Thing was they were taken or they were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO high they wouldn't notice if i stuck my hand down their pants. I accidentally fell into this one girl... she didn't even notice. The club was taken over by candy kids and e-tards. There was some really amusing stuff though. 45 yr. old guy who sorta looked like alice's dad dancing like a retard. another 36+ guy. three japanese girls in their 30's. Chillin in smoker's alley where it wasn't 90degrees. It was pretty fun, just not that kool. Went home after getting food and talking about stuff for a while.

Chillin with Tomo, Ricky, Region1/2, Jeff, Alice has been hella fun. Yeah escaping reality, but i'm not... i know what i'm doing for the time being, i'm just enjoying it while i can for a bit. Mother's day today so i'll stop by home and say hi to my mom and stuff. ^_^.

Dream exploration.
Well i had a weird ass dream last night. It was Sorta like Might and Magic but a FPS. It started with us having the normal rifles and stuff,. They didn't hurt zombies though so we ended up losing our crap and stuff. To get all our stuff back we needed to kill the zombies which needed flame throwers. But to get flame throwers we need to get into the cavern of flame which means we needed ice weapons and water. So we saved our game and me, my cousin, my brother and two of my friends were ready to set off. We stole money by searching the ground where the Inn Keeper stands(a'la og might and magic) then we headed off we killed about 4 guys in and i woke up. -_-... yes

Right now Region1/2 Tomo and ricky are laughing at photoshopped pics of me in it. Yes pr0n... Tomo's calling me gay now ;_;. She's all joking about how she's gonna tell her sis she was gonna hook her up with this really cute guy but he turned out to be gay -_-. WTF! uh well... hahahahahhahahahahha That's it for now... GGPO

2002-05-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

it's funny how in just a few hours i can lose so much respect for women. God, and to think i used to think they were better than men, not by much but still, i thought they were better. How wrong i fucking was.

Well charles showed me a website about this guy who lives in Newport Beach. He put out an AD saying models wanted for a calender shoot. He gets them to goto his studio, checks them out a little bit, then bam sex. WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously, all the respect i had for women just dropped. Are women that stupid and shallow to not only get manipulated that easily, but then to join in and have sex willingly even though they know that some asshole just fucked with their minds? The other thing is, it's totally legal. Then to boot, some of the girls FUCKING GO BACK! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God damn, it's crap like this that make me question myself so much. Why do i even bother being nice, when that many woman are that fucking stupid. Sure you can say, "not all girls are like that". Granted, yeah, all girls aren't, most of them are though. That's the thing, The majority of women are that fucked up and stupid apparently. Women are no longer better than men. They are at best PAR with men, however, they just lie about it. They lie about being sex fiending whores where as men are straight open to it. I swear, one day i'm going to change, and it will be because of other charles. -_-... maybe i should just fucking change and be a huge hypocrit... i won't like do anything, but just the ones that are stupid and whores. "Oh i made a mistake, i thought you wanted something special... No just a fuck? OK!" -_-... I already feel dirty, but i'm starting not to care. I've talked to alot of you guys about this before, about how i wish i could just be some stupid asshole who doesn't care and fucked people over not giving a damn about them. I seriously thinking i'm going to become halfway-like that. But i won't just fuck people over. I will have my morals, i will be a nice guy. I won't look for sex, but if it finds me... why not do it. God DAMN IT!!!!

Someone fucking talk me out of this. I really don't see a good reason to not have casual sex anymore... I swear it won't change my morals or how i treat people... i just won't decline sex if it's offered and i feel like having it -_-... someone really needs to talk me out of this especially since i wanted to promise myself never to do this.

2002-04-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

oi oi, back from fanime. Had such an awesome time. heh, funny thing is everything i want to write i won't because it doesn't belong here ^_^... ask me if you want to know about fanime otherwise blah! heh. I got to meet a lot of people finally, it was great.

2002-04-23T18:45:00.000-07:00

I'm back from A-cen.

A-cen was awesome for a number of reasons. I got to meet most of FY for the first time and hang out with a lot of them. I molested Dom/Wing and messed with the megatokyo Panel. I won tournaments got free crap, got My LH clock signed by Akamatsu Ken to sell. Just had a great time over all. The most part of the con was just hanging out messing around, helping out. It was fun and i met a lot of new people. The chicago ddr people, and fucked around with Hollywood Nova(who got me drunk...). Had some stuff happen that has never happened to me. HA awesome. i'm tired though, lots of stories for some people later though.

^_^ bai bai

2002-04-11T01:03:00.000-07:00

oisu, at james' house went to a party at valle's house last night for his b-day. I drank a lot played ST and A3. it was awesome. Learned about more ppls of the wanting to meet me, which is scary o_0.

hahhaha really short today, not much to talk about so yeah. i'm doing good, and i ate a 10x10 at in' n out

2002-04-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

I'm back, here's the log, after will be after thoughts if any...

3/23 12:09 us time

So, I'm in Viet Nam right now. It's been a rather annoying trip so far and i've only been in here for like 3 hours. Not Viet Nam itself that's been annyoing, just the trip. So far our first plane trip was delayed an hour or so do to the stupid booking of the plane. They screwed up and they had overbooked. So after about an hour of waiting we finally were on our way. The 12 hours plane trip became a 16 hour plane trip do to strong head winds. WEEEEEEEEE! Ugh. I slept for about 12 of the hours because the scheduled flight was at 12 noon. I don't usually sleep until 7 am or so but i stayed up to catch the plane. So i slept good. Got waken up a number of times because this retard that sat behind me. He was, i dunno, he sorta looked asian but not really. He laughed hysterically loud... and not even a kool insane laugh. An annoying stupid one during this show. Then he had the tendency to grab my hair and seat whenever he moved around. Ugh... but it was fine i guess. Our first plane went to Korea...(-_-). Although our flight attendents were pretty cute, you all know how i feel about Koreans. We got there 2 hours late and had to run to catch our flight to VietNam. We made it during final call. The laptop ran outta batteries on the first plane trip during like ep. 7 or something. Super Robot Wars A and sleep during the next 5 hour plane trip. The trip wasn't too bad cept for all the turbulance and everyone ignoring the orders of the plane. Heh, how smart... The drinks weren't cold, so that was shitty.
We finally get here and we had to fill out this entry declaration slip. Nothing big i filled mine out while my dad yelled at me to give it to him so he could do it. We get there, apparently my dad filled out people's wrong or something and i had to sit there for 20 min for everyone else to get through as i sat there. WEEEE for knowing how to fill something out. So we get here and packed, everyone's trying to sleep, i'll be going to bed in an hour or so. Sorta late for me in US time, but i got a lot ofextra sleep on the planes.For some reason Magician Lord and Crossed Swords aren't working forNeoRage... that is annoying because those are the only 2 games I wanted to play while here. I have a feeling i'll finish all of furuba within the first week. Luckilly i found Video Girl AI before we left FUCK! i just got bit by a mosquito... mother fucking shyt. Gay, FuruBa eps. 7 and 8 aren't timed right or i burned them toofast so they're off. The vid is like 4 secs behind the sound ;_; I have to watch the eps all messed up! ;_; I also brought some music cds and Gackt Mp3's/Vids(thanks jen) to listen to. Why aren't i listening to them now? Uh well. That's about it for now, what happened while here is nothing important to me, so it shouldn't be nearly remotely important to you. GGPO!

3/24 6:03am us time.

If you're wondering, just add 13 hours to the Us time to get Vietnam's time. Well before i get to telling about what happened today, I just watched ep 8 of FuruBa(after some hax0ring and trying to get the sync'ing to work, 10 min till i suceeded). SUCH A GOOD EPISODE!!! ;_; The manga was awesome but they did this episode so much justice. It was so good that i almost(i repeat almost) began to tear. ;_; sooooooooooooo good. FuruBa is such a good series!

Well on to today's events. The only thing other than the nothing to do aspect here i hate mosquitos. Especially if they bite your toes because that is really annoying when you're trying to sleep. I went to bed like an hour after my last post and woke up at around 7 pm american time. Woke up to find out that the City cut the electricity to do work. -_-... so luckilly i charged most of the laptop battery last night. I watched an ep. of furuba and played a bunch of games. Went to visit my grandma's place. She didn't even know who i was nor my sister and her kids. hahahahah well my mom and a bunch of the relatives are talking and i'm just sitting with my sis, niece, and nephew when one of the guys gets pissed and starts screeming at my aunt(?). So he slams the table and leaves. So after about 30 min of stuff he comes back more yelling blah blah. eventually i get home, it was a really stupid reason they were arguing so i'm not gonna get into it. Just realize i hate my family for reasons like this.

Come to realize my 3rd cousin is pretty cute(in a weird nerdy fobbish way... no one'll probably understand this, but think Mary's sis(uhm, WHS mary). Cept cuter... i dunno, hahha she's like 14 i think though... HAHHAHAHHA No you perverts, she's my cousin and 14... not a good pair.

Got back and played SRWA for about 3 hours then i had to get ready for church. So i got all dressed up(DAMN IT'S FUCKING HOT AND HUMID) it's about 90degrees or so, and it's humid enough to feel sticky right after you dry off in the shower. So i go to church extremely hot. Everyone that sees me walking on the way... and in church stare at me. Hahaha yes yes, blonde guy with purple eyes, i know... shut up. When i go to get communion everyone stares at me walk up, everyone stares at me walkdown. HELLA funny though. Get back played SRWA for a while as i let the laptop charge. It's full so i'm using it now and just watched Furuba. I'm hungry now, i haven't eaten anything all day, i'll go eat some spaghettios or some shyt. Alright!!! i just got some spaghettios straight from the can with Tabasaco sauce... mmm... goodness(the scary thing is i'm not being sarcastic). Till later all. OH, and Jen, i gotta tell you something remind me when you read this and tell me to read "reminder to tell jen.txt"

Karrie, Blah to you XD FURUBA!!!!!!!!!!!! ;____________; sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo furuba goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Akito is nuts!

3/24 11:15 us time

yes, i'm still up. It's 3 am right now and my mom is wondering why i'm still up. Don't plan on sleeping, i guess i'll finish another FuruBa disc right now. Akito is so insane o_0...I hate mosquitos as well... ugh-ness. blargh... that's all i guess?

3/26 20:39 pm us time

so two days or so have passed and a couple of things. well we went to saigon on monday bought fabric and stuff to make "ao dai"(long shirt). they're vietnamese wedding/special event "dresses". I'm having one made as well so i'll probably bring it to fanime just for fun... i won't wear it around the halls though. that day was pretty slow, just saigon, shopping, oh... we went to this plaza shopping center and they had a small mini-lan(nothing special but some guy was playing SC) and 3 PIU machines. i laughed a lil, but there was this one girl that was actually pretty good. We left and went back home. I slept more, only to wake up and watch most of Video Girl Ai. Watching this again made me all warmish. I love Ai. It's pretty much Ah Megami Sama, but i like Ai-chan a LOT better because of the character design. The situation with his friend etc. Ah Megami Sama was boring because the guy was a loser, nothing more than a loser. He just lucked out and BAM goddess loves him. In Ai he had to work for it.

Tuesday was a special mass and dinner lunch thing for my grandma(who is turning 90 or so). At mass my dad hands me his camera and tells me to take pics. That's fine with me... then later they hand me a camcorder and tell me to record. WELL... if you've EVER had to record a video and take pics at the same time, you'd know how fucking hard that is. So the vid is all shaky(because they didn't tell me to turn on the still shot which i assumed was already on because it was recording when they handed it to me. So they yell at me for recording it all shaky and stuff when they watched it later that night. OH YEAH FUCK YOU THANKS!

I can't get half of Furuba 15 to work, when i load it, it randomly loads a certain amount(the highest i've gotten up to is 8minutes). so i gave up and skipped to ep 16. Every ep. with Hori... so good and sad depressingness. ;_;. 12 more days until i come home? well 11 days for you guys, 12 for me, stupid ass time thing. I've been going online from 6-7 your guys' time in the morning at thsi i-cafe(that's like 60cents an hour but like a 56k networked...). Haven't seen many ppl on other than Orofski and stuff. I can't get IRC to work so blah to that. Right now i'm at home while my sis and stuff go to Saigon again to go more fabric shopping, i was too sleepy and lazy to go. I woke up and ate some udon, then watched ep. 16 of furuba. That's probably all i'm gonna do today so i'll just load up the neogeo and play KOF or something. Laters all.

3/30 8:06 Us Time

Well i'm in Da Lat right now, it's a place far north in vietnam. It's pretty nice here, really cool in temperature, a really good tourist place. I just spent the last 2 hours walking around with two guys (neighbors with the ppl we're staying with). They're pretty kool guys, just don't know much about technology and stuff. They've been messing with the eggy digicam i brought and are amazed with it. I sat in an ICafe for about an hour talking to bran about events and stuff. Too much drama, too much over reacting. My stand on this all, is the same i always do. Unless they do something to make me hate them... my friend is still my friend.

Oh yeah what did i do, i watched up to ep. 19 of furuba. I took a bunch of uneeded trips to places i really didn't care about. an "amusment park" that was pretty much all closed down because it was the weekday so the attractions weren't on. A trip to visit my uncle who's a priest, but the trip was 2 hours long and hella hot. I ate a bunch of steak though that was pretty good, so it was ok. Took a trip to this 9 story shopping mall(it wasn't very large, but tall. Imagine like a robinsons may that's 9 stories). We just took a 7 hour car ride(traffic in vietnam is awesome, i'll show you guys pics, it's so insane because there are literally no rules of the road. Did a lot of self-thinking about some people. Heh, realized things can't go how you want them to, but only to make the best of what you can. I have a lot of thinking and self process before i can say i'm ready for somethings.

The people here for the most part are pretty nice, i've learned a lot more about the people here and the environment. Mosquitos are still a pain, but i don't really care about them anymore. I have a bunch of bites, but blah. Learned a lot about someone... doesn't really change my view about them, but broadens it. Heh... i'm thinking a lot about other things that i think about. I'm going to allow myself to do something stupid and even though i know i'll probably regret it, at the same time if i don't do it then i know i'll hate myself and regret not doing it even more. But that's about all there is to say at the moment, 5 more days till i go home. We leave friday morning at 1 am. Be back home by thursday night in the states(i think). so till next time, Laterz all.

3/30 1:08 am us time.

I just got back from shopping with the two guys i was with yesterday. I took them to the ICafe again and showed them pics of Haru from "Rave:A Groove Adventure" We then went shopping for Haru's accesories, i found a really good ring to use, and the bracelet which is almost perfect(according to the character design site). The necklace i got isn't what it's supposed to be, but i liked the design(it was real silver, but the jewels in it aren't real). So total i spent 210,000 dollars, 21$ us money approximately. If i find a better necklace i'd much rather us it, but i can walk around with the necklace i have at other times. It's all awesome so XD! hee hee, well i also talked to matt a lil' about stuff, learned some stuff about the world. Heh, more like specific people. ^_^ i just sit quietly unless called upon throughout all this. I also explained to him a different train of thought, but he kept comparing me to characters i didn't know. SO BLAH TO HIM!!! but other than that it's all good. I think what i'm doing'll work. Well for the moment and close future. After a lil' while i'll be in the same place. This'll give me more time to figuire out what is gonna happen.

Hmmm, what else, oh my parents and stuff are retarded. They're afraid of me going out shopping alone for some reason, like i'm 6 or something. SO FUCKING HELL TO THAT! GGPO!!!!

april 1st 6:28 US time.

This update is probably gonna have nothing to do with the trip. The laptop is almost outta batteries because it apparently didn't charge last night(which is pissing me off).

How annoying are hypocrits? Especialy those that are close to you. My sister used to talk shyt about people and their parenting all the time. "Oh look at that kid just running around the store and she's not doing anything. Damn, that woman is screaming at her kid for no reason." Stuff like that. Well today we went to the beach and her kids loved it. Then when it was time to leave they didn't want to go(obviously enough, if a kid likes something he doesn't wanna leave right?). Well she starts screaming at her kids and stuff. Then spanks one because she doesn't wanna go. Hmmm, how does that work. I know i shouldn't criticize i guess because i'm not a parent or anything, but i swear, if this is "good" parenting, i want to know what the fuck bad parenting is. Her kids aren't the best... that's understandable. But a lot of the reason is how they were raised. Divorce aside, both parents hella spoil the kids. They want some thing, they whine... Parent says no... whine some more, parent says no... whine some more and the parent gives in just to shut them up. How the fuck does that work? i mean seriously... if they do that, of course the kids gonna act all spoiled and stupid. All he/she has to do is cry and they get their way. Just like the case with staying at the beach. The kid figuires, i cry, i'll get my way.ugh

When i have(if i have) kids(which i want to do)... i'm gonna be such an unorthodox parent. Things like you tell them to not play on this pole because they might fall... they play and fall. Instead of yelling at them, why not comfort them, so they learn from it? Explain what happened etc? If the kid cries, i'm not gonna yell at them to shut up if they have a reason to cry. If they cry for no stupid reason though i'll tape their mouth shut so they learn. It's not cruel, but it carries a strong point that should be taught. The key to parenting is patience isn't it? You can't expect your kids to know everything, you need to follow them and prepare and teach them the best you can. How much can you actually blame on "my kid is just bad" compared to how much you can say "the parenting is bad". Neither side is 100%, and even the worse kids grown up in a different manner can have a decent amount of good in them. Take me for example, I DID learn a lot when i was a kid that gives me ethics and morals and stuff. At the same time the teachings made me into a bitter ball of hate that wants the destruction of most people. What of this can be blamed on parenting and what can be blamed on me as a person.

A lot of times people forget that their kids are "just kids". They don't have the same logic we do, so when we see "danger" they may see "fun". We can't blame them for that. Again i think about what Karrie said to me about even they it may seem stupid to them 20 years from now... right now it could be the most exciting thing in the world type deal. We shouldn't yell at them for being kids, but instead guide them and let them learn on their own. Something i'm STILL striving for with my family.

My dad's been saying a phrase over and over again this trip that's extremely contradicting to his life. Translated it means "go see to know". He's said this numerous times when going to place that i obviously didn't care for(see above for examples). The logic behind that is true... people should see to know, as we should let the kids. BUT, when it's something obvious that i don't care to see or know, then it's a different story. This is compared to sticking a fork into a working toaster. I haven't seen it happen, so how do i know it'll electricute me. I honestly don't, but i don't care to see it happen, nor do i care to know if it'll really electricute me. I'm not gonna do it ever again even if it doesn't electricute me. Same thing with attending a little kids theme park. I'm 18 years old, what would i want to go to a theme park meant for 5-8 yr. olds? I should still see to know? HELL FUCKING NO!

Life experiences can't be compared to events. The phrase "you don't know until you experience it" is a great one. But getting a job and living on your own can't be compared to visiting a park. It's extemely different. When kids don't listen they usually have logic behind. Part of being a good parent is atleast trying to figuire out what that is; and by doing so, you can also teach the child to grow. Something most parents lack today. The point of view of the child. All parents see are that they are right. All the child sees is that they are right(which is understandable, they're kids right?). I just hope that i remember this when i'm a parent. Otherwise i'll be an even bigger hypocrit because i can recognize all this, and if i forget... nevermind, i won't be a parent for a while anyways but all i want more than anything is to prove the world wrong... i am a good person. People just don't realize it.

4/3 7:46 am us time

Heh i leave back to america tommorow night. Today was rather fun. Woke up like at 9 to get ready for church. The 3rd year anniversary mass of my grandma passing away. Afterwards was a lunch/breakfest thing special and there was a person their from England. He's studying to be a priest and was at the church coincidentally. He sat with me n' my sister kendi and we talked a lot about Vietnam and culture both on his and my side. Was rather interesting. So i got back time passed and i sat in the "kids' " room. They were watching t.v., my nephew was coloring with my niece, and Linh(the cute cousin girlish stuff i mentioned earlier) is playing with them. She's totally into Detective Boy Conan, thought that's kool. She has the first i think 25 or so Manga(translated into Viet). Then she was flipping through books she had of pictures she drew and stuff with the kids so they can draw on blank pages... I started to realize, "hey... i recognize like, 3/4 of this stuff". Tomoyo, Hatori, Kazuya... o_0 where'd she see these? Turns out she likes anime and stuff, well... manga actually. But she's seen a few Cardcaptor Sakura vids. I'm gonna see if James wants to do me a favor and translate Detective Boy Conan Eps... and i'll fansub them into Viet for them. ^_^. HAHAHAH... if only she wasn't my cousin, older, lived in America, and some other stuff i'd add on to the list if i could think right now. HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA. ^_^ I'm kidding btw... so yeah. I also figuired out who she is.

The first time i visited Vietnam i stayed with the same family. There were 5 kids at the time that i remember. 3 girls, 2 boys. The oldest had a broken arm at the time. A rather quiet girl but extremely polite and nice. She sorta stuck to herself. A really bratty girl. An extremely insane girl doing everything she could that was possibly bad(i ended up putting her into a full nelson and almost smashing her head against the floor). A 3rd girl i rarely saw, maybe once a day... quiet but mischiveous. Always tampering with stuff. The 2 boys, one was a baby, the other the neighbor.

Well it turns out the oldest girl is linh. The younger sister is Trinh, the other girl wasn't related to them but she also had a younger sister(i don't remember her though). They're both here at the moment. Linh is a really nice girl. Totally good with the kids and they love her to death. Amusing ain't it?

Well the rest of my day was amusing, i think like... EVERY GIRL that i've come in contact with and communicated with has a crush on me or something. -_- i'm not kidding. Today, one of the guys from above asked for my address to write to me or something, suddenly 3 of the girls were like, GIVE it to me as well!!!! and asked me to sign it and stuff. o_0 i didn't know what to do so i'm all... uh, o_0. Then left cuz i had to do something. So i get back and my Ao Dai came so i tried it on(... i look like a girl, i seriously did). And one of the girls was still trying to get my address being all o^_^o. I still was all o_0. hahah. So i turn on Furuba and Linh was like "you like watching these???" all happyish. And she watched it with me. It's sorta funny because it was like she understood it(which she didn't). So the other girl came and started watching it with us. Just an amusing day.

So i'm listening to Gackt's "Cube" right now and i'm hungry. I should make chilli but i don't wanna because everyone's up. I'll make it when everyone's asleep. i'll eat some udon right now. XD!!! oi, long entry huh? Most of it is me rambling about how kool my cousin is(she's not actually my cousin i don't think now... like a distant relative or some shyt?) uh well penis... XD! hahhahaha -_- shut up, i miss america okay?

4/4 1:40 am

So it's the last day i'm here finally. been a rather slow day but not completely. I woke up late(of course) and ended up going BACK to sleep! YAY! woke up, showered, ate... listened to my sis yell at her kids for 2-3 hours. Went back to sleep.Woke up again it's now 4:40. Now that is awesome.

Sister has a lot to learn about kids i suppose. She gets pissed way too easily with them. Sorta discouraging to have kids of my own i think.

Well plane is at 1am, we arrive in Korea and have to wait 8 hours or so there -_-... blah, you KNOW i'm gonna fucking love that. After that we head home and that'll be that, and i'll post all this crap online. I'll finaly get to talk to a few people i wanted to talk to, and i'm rambling.

I had 3 dreams, one was pointless and stupid and had to do with ddr. The other two... I don't know what i'm doing dreaming about this. It's not, wrong or anything bad, i just shouldn't be doing it. wishful thinking is an amazing will power, but it's also something that can't change reality. ^_^ i'm groggy that's all. And yeah, nevermind, it's nothing important at the moment anyways. I think this is gonna be the last update until i get home where i wrap everything up. Unless something happens in Korea that i have to post on the plane. bai bai!

So i'm at home. I had to spend 8 hours in korea... mother fuckers. Well while there i saw a bunch of japanese people that were transfering there. Many very cute japanese girls o_0... hee hee, nothing else really much happened on my trip other than the entire whore house thing but that's not important XD!

2002-03-31T06:27:00.000-08:00

yosh... ok well i'm updating early. I'm still out here and all that stuff blah blah. Uhm, anyways, i'll have a huge ass long blog when i return. It'll update you in all the crap i did out here, even though most of it is pointless random crap useless stuff. Well yeah, ok whatnot. GGPO

2002-03-21T17:10:00.000-08:00

okay people, i'm off to vietnam for 2 weeks. i'll be back on the 6th or so but blah. James is letting me use his laptop which is good. I'll have something to actually do down there other than sit and play cards with the neighboring kids like i did last time. That's about ALL i did last time. They're all telling me "oh it's a lot better than before, it's almost like America and stuff." The point of this though isn't about comfort, it's about boredom. I was bored out of my mind last time. So none of you people are gonna hear from me till the 7th. I'll be dead tired on the 6th most likely.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe after the vietnam trip i get a week and a half rest then i'm off to chicago for A-CEN. A bunch of people wanted me to go, so i decided why not? Then financial standings stopped me. But Adrian said to go instead of pay him back(... i'll pay him back later... i really will). So i get to meet up with a lot of #FY and #MT ppl. It'll be a good weekend(although i've been thinking a lot about its events and something is worrying me... but yeah not like any of you know so... i'll leave that alone).

A week after A-cen is fanime. I've been looking forward to Fanime since last Fanime ended. This year is going to be awesome... i don't care about the drama, the crap, anything... it's gonna fucking 0wn.

/me pokies karrie... just tell me how much i owe you... THANK SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH... and so does a lot of people at A-Cen

2002-03-17T03:32:00.000-08:00

heh just got back from TA2 screening. lot to talk about, but doing some stuff right now... bbiab...

k' well saw TA2. hahahha this'll explain the big point

PyronIkari: but the huge thing everyone was making a big deal out was "how i was gonna get wasted"
PyronIkari: in the end it was just cici saying i'm not that good in bed because i'm small.

ugh, nothing serious. i actually just laughed about it. The screening went great. Lots and lots of people, the movie was awesome, just fucking great. Axe is the man, Sabishii 0wns... Godden is retarded.

Saw Geno and Brian who i haven't seen in forever. Kool hearing about them and shyt. Turbo's doing good and stuff. That's great, ugh, i'm so out of everything that's happened lately. TCL no longer exists and none of them really are close anymore cept the three.

Nothing else really to say. I had a great night, had a lot of fun, it's a great movie.

^_^ oh and i'm eating cheesecake right now... HAHAHHAHA TO YOU JEN!

2002-03-13T05:45:00.000-08:00

blogger's being retarded and i can't access any blogs. hmmm.

not much happening, same thing, just like any other week so far. learned one of the girls staffing mini-recca-con has a crush on me. Been trying to figuire out who "annonnymous" person is that's been leaving comments. i figuire it's either Jen, or Hazel(ha didn't think i'd know your name huh?!) hahahhahaha. ^_^ if it's not them too then o_0... /me thinks some more... -_- nope can't think of anyone else.

argh! hee hee, just bored. dunno what to do. i may watch more random anime in james' dvd folder i have. /me shrugs...

2002-03-07T22:48:00.000-08:00

hisgu;ehrehg9e84... i'm really tired right now... and irritated outta my mind. ugh, i don't wanna get into it if you wanna know just ask me when you see me. it's not even that serious, just a bad day. ugh, i need to stab someone though.

2002-03-06T05:21:00.000-08:00

it's been an interesting day. i got into 2 discussions, one about love, one about human action. both made me feel good. I haven't had someone put up a good logical debate with me for a while. In the end i didn't change sides or anything and the otherpserson totally understood what i meant so all was good.

on the other hand, karrie had to go and totally turn me around on a subject. she's made me think more in these past some 6 months more than most people have the entire time they've known me. She has this perspective that really makes me think... i love it. /me stabs her with a spoon!!! damn you and your rightness.

i've been watching initial d again(don't ask me why i didn't like it the first time). I still don't like it, but it's ok i guess. Rewatching it i'm sorta liking the story, but only sorta, i think they coulda made it much better. The two things i like are the music, and a few of the seiyuu's they chose. only some though.^_^.

i'm getting tired so i'm gonna cut this short, blargh this was a good day.

Ede, i'll call you next week to hang out.

2002-03-03T18:53:00.000-08:00

3 things to note tiff's party/My bro's b-day/The Movie Memento

Tiff's party was awesome, i gotta bunch of random pics that i'll have Gary put up or something. We got there about 30 min late but we weren't seeded until 15 min after i got there so it was all good. Same ol' deal, Curry House Karaoke, Randomness. ^_^ It's nice seeing a lot of people that I rarely see. Something puzzles me about this though. When there are gatherings, and there is that 3 or so people that don't do anything, don't sing, only talk to about 4 ppl with the occasional hi to someone else and that's it. I understand if you don't know anyone, but geez atleast do something. After the usual karaoke goodness me n' matto-kun hung out(he was my ride home). We went to his dorm to pick up laundry and stuff. We talked lots though(for the two hours). Matto-kun is awesome, he has similar views to me with different approaches so it's nice to compare thoughts and stuff. Disappointed i didn't get to see someone though...

My bro's b-day was fun as hell. i was the first person there of course because my bro picked me up and i just chilled for a while. Us messing around eating Chicken salsa and pizza drinking and just going nuts. The hot tub was on really high, to point of going... mother fuck this is hot. but it felt hella nice after you got used to it. I didn't get drunk but i was buzzed. Nice seeing some of my bro's friends that i used to hang out with a lot too. Lots of pictures of randomness from that as well.

The movie Momento, you'd think, wtf is there a section for a stupid movie when comparing to gatherings with friends... well yeah screw you.

The movie Momento is about a guy who can't remember anything past a certain time. He constantly writes notes and reminders(and by can't remember anything i EMPHASIZE ANYTHING). The entire story is told in reverse. It's amazing how it pieces together to the one thing you wonder about "why?" It's probably the best movie i've seen since the usual suspects. It questions a lot within the story but it's all secondary. If you don't want to notice then you don't have to. How are people and what drives them. People drive themselves to do and believe things. People desire emotions that they can't control, but they aim to find those emotions and do things to please themselves. That's about all i can say without giving out anything about the movie. GOOOOOOOOOOOO WATCH!!!!

A lil' self-thinking. People are broad but there are mainly two types, those that constantly think about today and enjoying it, and those that always think about preparing for the future. both suck. realizing yourself and your potential is what's more important and utilizing that to form your surrondings. People around you do not make you who you are, nor are they big influences(unless you make them that). The people around you are those you enjoy, whether bad or good doesn't matter, because in the end decisions always come down to you. Anyone who judges you by the people you're with have no right and in turn i'd tell them off(but that's only me). heh, life is yours take it for what you want of it.

2002-02-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

ok ok i'm updating for reals. the weekend was great. I got sick of course but i had a blast. Well i got to the airport down here at around 7:15(Thanks a lot to charles who took me). Sat for about an hour and a half after zooming through everything(literally, it took me 5 min to get to boarding gate). The plain trip was nice, 3 people commented my hair saying it looked awesome. Landed called Gary. About 20 min later found him and we take off to his place. Talked about random stuff(like how Ajay is dating a dude). Got there saw JR talked ended up going to bed rather early after talking to Gary about stuff.

Woke up on friday morning at around 8:15. I had to take a major piss but Gary was in the shower. an hour later he got out and and I ran in and pissed. felt sooooooooo good. Well he went to class(late) so i just irc'ed to #FY and played GGX/IIDX. He got home and we went to MGL to meet up with Erin who was forcing me (-=Þ). I got to see her newest b/f(her ex actually). /me looks at erin... is he going out with the girl he was with? Cuz if so... WTF!?!?!?!??!? how the hell could he leave you for her? Well i hugged her and she left me n' gary kicked back for about 40 min before heading to svgl. Met up with Tran and a bunch of other people there. Mopped up in KOF2k1(20 some wins i think) and a bunch of Sessions with corey.

We went to Dinner at pasta premidora or something like that with /nilla/, Dom, Cortana, Gary, Pete, Bran, James, Ross(i think that was it but sorry if i forgot you). It was a lot of fun but nilla had to leave early. Went back to Svgl messed around a lil and back to Gary's. I ended up staying up all night because it was 4 when everyone went to bed so i stayed up to wake everyone up. Mini-Recca con was so awesome. I wore almost what i wore at Condensed Milk(the shiny silver dress shirt, pleather pants, my K' necklace and boots(that i left in norcal). 4 girls thought i was cosplaying gackt and one was too shy to say anything to me. It was pretty funny as she giggled when her friend was asking me questions. The Panel kicked ass... we just messed around at the same time as giving the information and shows. Bran did the Harlem Shake... domination.

We got back to Gary's then decided to go play pool(which i haven't played since i was 7) i obviously sucked. went home slept. Sunday morning Pete came over we watched some HK movies then went to the Fanime Meeting. We talked to Justin about Spot who just said, yeah do whatever you guys want. We then went to go eat where i made them all scared of me when i put fries/mozerella sticks/Ranch/Marinara/Pepper/Salt/Sugar in my coke and the end of it the cup was empty. Went to Svgl cuz it was so close and played a few games of KOF2k1 before heading back to gary's. Just chilled played a lil IIDX etc.

Monday was just me pete and bran hanging out and talking before they took me to the airport. The flight was nice james picked me up(last minute which i thank him for). All in all a great trip.

I saw the Stay Away vid up there. @_@ IT'S SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME. I have about 70% of it learned and will do it at a con. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the rest is details, ask me about it if you want although i probably won't rem. ^_^ bai bai

2002-02-26T01:12:00.000-08:00

added the comments thing(lookie below) i'm too tired to update this now... blah, do it tommorow

2002-02-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

yay, well i'm up in norcal right now. i took a lil' trip up here for the recca mini-con and just to hang out with friends(more or less to hang out). kinda sucks because i woke up on friday with a sore throat, by saturday my voice was totally killed and i sounded horrible.

throat feels better but i still sound horrid. The mini-con was fun, ddrspot booth sold a bunch of stuff, the panel went really well. Met up with Lil' B and Orofski there, had random girls trying to pet me(... eh...) and i ate ramen called Smack. it was nice, somewhat cold, but nice. as it stands, i've been called gay(or something similar) 163 times(yes i kept count). that's not what bothered me the most though as i will not get into that here anyways. it's been a lot of fun just messing around with everyone. I finally got to meet cortana, a real meeting with dom, charles(hotaru), and Nilla from #FY. i humped dom's leg(eh... don't ask it's a joke that's circulating the Megatokyo scene). saw Risu at MGL(and ricky) and messes around a bit. Everyone else is doing good(beatboxing... hahahhaha)

i'll prolly have more to say when i get back hom on monday night. Gotta lot to say actually... just not to most of you.

2002-02-18T03:39:00.000-08:00

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee(i've been saying that a lot...). well interestingly enough i spent 60$ this weekend, how or on what, i'm not really sure. 10 on dye, 20 at AI, 30 on food?!?!?!? geez! I'm going to Norcal next weekend(ugh, now i gotta get money from my parents). just to hangout and goto Recca-mini-con. it'll be nice to just chill with everyone up there.

hahahaha so i was going through old logs(because someone was talking about something that made me want to read them). and i came up upon this...

Muralasa Infi: I want to be.. social and stuff

hahahahahahhaha... sorry karrie you screwed yourself over with that one. ^_^ /me bites you in the head! XD hahahahhahahaha

things are pretty good, but my dye is in henry's car. We got to AI earlier and he failed first song on IIDX and he was all, lemme continue, i'm all, no i wanna play, he's all come on lemme continue, i'm all, just lemme play... he gets pissed and leaves(with my dye in his car). so blah. i'm all o_0... so that's the story of that

not much else is happening in my little world. i finally met my new nephew last week(Phelix). Kid looked like me when i was a baby(well my other nephew did too, i'll get a baby pic up later). I'm just chill right now, thinking of what can happen, pestering Karrie(no we're not going out), listening to l'arc at the moment. Dive to Blue... it's so calming. i'm happy right now, just knowing how things are going. i still am in disbelief in dealing with my standings, thinking something is gonna happen and it'll all change, but they haven't. We're not together or anything, but it's just... surreal, it seriously is.

reading my old logs listening to what both of us thought of ourselves, then of eachother. it's pretty strange, we're still the same, but with a different angle added to us. her's is quite cute...

2002-02-11T01:24:00.000-08:00

went to bed early, will blog tommorow after new years(prolly on the other one though, not this one) promise. NITE!

2002-02-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

^_^ took a nap yesterday(more like a late short sleep). ended up going to james' house. read this while i was there(which is hillarious.

http://game.2ch.net/test/read.cgi/arc/1012005425/

if you scroll down to 108 section there's pictures of everyone's beloved "wayne-sama". HAHAHHAHA only the japanese peopl think he's funny. here's a quick statement someone left him "This is just too pathetic for words". HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHA

went to sleep early last night. had to wake james up at 6 so he could get ready to register for classes. eating what's left of my chips from yesterday. ugh, throat feels dry, need coke.

me n' karrie've been talking a lot. it's great because it's just simplistic talking. "how was your day" "what're you up to tommorow" stuff like that. Then occasionally we get into a deep conversation about our state of being or stuff. ^_^ i really enjoy it. -=P at you fiona, we're not dating. well, i don't think we are... we're just close for the time being ^_^. Besides she's got enough stuff to deal with, she doesn't need a lil' annoying b/f at the moment XD. hahhahahahha we're close, that's all for now.

2002-02-03T01:41:00.000-08:00

yeah i'm updating again. i actually have a lot of thought this time.

2 things, one major, one not as big.

the major first. The entire DDR people thing blah blah. i really miss how it used to be. UZ time, when it was just chillin and us fucking around. it all changed one day. i don't rememberwhen or how, it just did. Randal feels the need to give me shyt whenever he feels like it. Oh mentioning crack i need to talk shyt about him. Oh wait he's talking in a thread i need to talk shyt about him. i honestly don't care about the shyt talking. what i do wonder though is why. what the hell did i do to make him be all bitchy? i think godden got it though "Randal only likes people that are his friends." it makes a lot of sense. Ami for example. he used to talk so much shyt about her. Then he finds out she's going out with chango... BAM starts being nice to her. it bothers me. Randal is a fucking smart guy, knows a lot of shyt. but his social personality is something different. i guess i just wonder why the fuck for. as for the actual "community"? friends are friends. the people we met through the game constitutes the community we're in. no matter how right i could be, i think he'd argue with me(not that i'm saying i am). we're always trying to find reason for everything. i don't want to anymore. i just want to do stuff. have fun, fuck around, meet up with friends, play some Bemani. it all comes back to me being judged. but by who and why? does it even matter? it hasn't so far. TA2 is coming out and according to Godden Sabishii said the Crack Shyt talk session was more harsh than inuki's in TA1. i really wonder what cici and andy could have said about me. I really wonder how bad it really is. I wonder how i'm goign to react when i see it. I don't care what they have to say... well as much as i can anyways. What could cici possibly say? And am i going to react without even realizing what i'm doing. i sorta want someone close to watch it with me when i do... so atleast i know i have a lil' support. it's not like many people support me any more. and mostly because it's trendy to hate. just like Jdogg... just like JSBlade, just like Sl1p. I'm still not gonna change though.

the other... i feel bad, i told karrie i was gonna be here to talk to her just in case she felt a need to talk to someone. due to stuff, i couldn't. -=/ sorry for that. i'll talk to you later though, and hopefully you're not mad at me or anything. although i don't think you would be, but i feel bad anyways.

GGPO

2002-02-02T01:14:00.000-08:00

w00 i'm updating almost weekly. hahahha

ok weird ass dream last night. uhm, i'll skip the first half because it had nothing to do with anything in the second half, and it might cause problems. SOOOOOOOO ok my uncle has a secret about something. some biological break through. i have no idea what it is. A "tyrant" like thing(the kool silver steal one, not the zombie blade one) is trying to find/kill him. My dad is proctecting him and trying to destroy the tyrant thingey. my dad gets wasted. i end up taking the job. fighting chasing, chasing. we reach my uncles place and he opens the door. he goes to bed and i'm waiting there. tyrant shows i get crap beat outta me. Tyrant watches vid, i watch as i'm thrown against wall in bloody mess and tyrant's talking to me. "you know kid, you should just let me do this job. you don't know what you're getting into." the vid is some evolutiondocumentary thingey. it's strange though as it shows experimentation my uncle did. we goto his room and he died of age or something. i wake up and realize... this is the 2nd time i've had this dream. the first was about 3 years ago.

dunno wtf it has to do with anything, but i had it.

ok, so i goto dye my hair silver today. buy bleach etc. etc. get to james' house. start bleaching... blah blah blah put it in. hour later i look. why does some of my hair look green instead of blonde? wash it out. About half of my hair half way down is green. it's somewhat even all the way around. WTF?!?!?!?!!? http://bemanispot.com/~pyronikari/bleach.jpg how the hell does that happen?!?!?!?!??! so i goto rebleach. blah blah hour later. it's the same... cept, some of it turned blonde, only... very little. that and i did my roots so they're blonde now. o_0 i need to get this professionally done damn it.

so been talking to karrie a lot(hmm... ya ya obvious enough shut up you people...). so crack is all -=) as of late. hahaha... yeah enough about that, screw you people... you don't need to need more. HAHHAHAHA

oh Ping-chan(this guy i know) mailed me some of his dad's salsa. hella good, it's like extremely spicy.

other than the #megatokyo visiting not much more in my life worth talking about. it seems they're starting to get used to me and most think fondly of me. the others want me to die. i shrug.

oh actually there is something else. i had a talk with karrie about being mean and shyt talking. we were talking about Tampopo arcade 2 and she's all saying how she doesn't like how ppl shyt talk eachother. obvious reasons etc. and i'd like to agree, but some people deserve it. not all, just some. as long as there is a good reason to talk about the person, why not tell them. if there's a reason not to, they shouldn't (if it outweighs why they should). but either way... i should have saved it, wtf didn't i?hahaha aiight that's all for now, GGPO

2002-01-27T23:59:00.000-08:00

heh, so i'm home. lot happened yesterday.

tournament was fun. played random first match against John Choi. WTF get pitted up against top 5 in the country. i totally screwed around and he sorta knew i was so he had some fun too. we both laughed at the end of the match. next match was against some guy, he wasn't too bad or anything, but i beat him with A-ism random characters. it was funny, got everyone laughing. i lost to norcal player who's just starting out. he's really good though, almost took down Alex. tammy's b-day so i hugged her and said merry b'day. off to tenken's house.

get there hang around lots. it was fun messing with them all. even gen-chan was there... in all her... hairy legness. watched more HunterxHunter. messed with stuff. Matto-kun spent his time working on his costume. i finally gave karrie her Kyou. it was a lot of fun. i shuolda ate more though. i was all hungry when i got home but too tired to eat. didn't get to talk to karrie, and i was to tired to really get her too. but i knoew the answer to waht it was anyways. and despite what she was smiling... so i laugh at her... HAHAHHAhAhAh

nite all

2002-01-26T03:31:00.000-08:00

blah, not much to post about tonight. but bored outta my mind so i think i will.

Tommorow is a CvS2 tourney at shgl, i'm entering with Random A-groove. it'll be fun. ^_^. had hella fun messing with it tonight with Art, Derek, Kim, Cambell, Marc and a few others. I miss going to an arcade and just having fun like that, it's usually so boring and just competition.

later today(saturday) i'm supposed to go have dinner with iPlay and hang out and stuff. finally get to talk to karrie(which i've been wanting to do for about 2 weeks now...) see what'll happen then. iPlay's awesome, i'm so glad i get to hang out with them.

dunno what's happening, so i'll just continue on and smile i guess.

Seems like Nessa has found a new play toy. hahahha, i'm glad, makes me feel a little relieved(a lil' jealous too, but more relieved). I'm sorta worried about it though, the guy seems sorta like an asshole(never met him, but from what she says). /me shrugs, her life.

i have momusume songs stuck in my head >_< it's late and it's gonna bother me. nothing else to say for the moment, nite all.

2002-01-22T00:22:00.000-08:00

i'm a moron you know that. to chase something when you know you can't catch it. why do you even bother trying? you never really know why, you just do it. you may get closer and closer but something is still there preventing you from reaching it. so why do i bother this time? even if i don't catch it... i think i'm satisfied. after tonight atleast i know it was somewhat worth it. to be able to reflect on someone, hopefully changing them a lil' for the better. i know i didn't change, but influence a lil' maybe. if i do someday reach the goal, then hey that's really awesome, but if not, little things like this will have made it worth it, no regrets.

i was gonna blog about this really weird ass dream i had last night but i can't rem. it. it was like about 2 flies flying around... nothing more, just 2 flies flying around. then some other weird stuff. then this one... that i won't get into because someone might get pissed off at me... eh heh heh heh.

justin wants to dress me up one day. to be all of the bisshieness. hahahahha. i think it'd be fun. just to see what he does to dress me would be kinda interesting.

gonna go do some stuff this weekend... (will crack finally watch moulin rouge??? stay tuned same crack channel, random times though ^_^)

my hair's a lot longer. if i comb it to the sides it's about to my mouth, if i pull it straight it goes to my chin. gonna dye it silver for Fanime. karrie wants me to cosplay kaoru... hmmm, maybe. i don't really like him cuz of his, fruitfulness towards shinji, and i wanted to punch shinji cuz he's shinji. we'll see about it all later. it is a simple costume so i wouldn't have to actually do anything for it.

watched all 112 eps of YYH straight you bastards. 54 hours later i fell asleep after the credits. it was quite an accomplishment. i'm getting hungry again. 3rd time i'm eating in like 4 hours. maybe this is good, i might gain like a lb hopefully. woohoo107!!! XD

2002-01-18T02:26:00.000-08:00

wow who woulda guessed. well like usual... kill time online tonight. but jon sends me a link to gary's J-con pics. in one of the pics i look hella stoned so i decide to post the pic in #megatokyo. for somereason a couple of the girls are like... "wow, you're cute" i'm all... "wtf, i look stoned and retarded". then mao says "crack, you're pretty. not cute, pretty. you shoulda been born a girl." then the other girls are all "bishounen desu!" and stuffs. the first thing that comes to mind is... WHEN!?!??! i mean i like dressing all bisshie and stuff but i've never thought i was. i've always seen my self the same. and as far back as i remember i was always just the "cute" lil' kid. nothing but "the lil' kid" alice was like, "you've changed a lot" i'm all o_0 again. hahahahhaa. but apparently, i've matured, and my entire appearance has as well. and alice/henry's mom even said i don't look like the lil' kid anymore. that's i've grown up. that was really suprising to me.

i still feel that i look and am the same as i was 2 years ago when i had a discussion about who i was with alice. but i guess i' am changing. i think it's getting to my head already. i'm all proud and stuf... i shouldn't be though. i'm the same, i'm just growing. i guess it bothers some people though.then i think about what karrie said.

Muralasa Infi: don't you think that the only people who can see those things are the ones that really matter, though? If the rest of the world doesn't have the patient to see the good things, then those people aren't worth a thing

heh... make what you will of it. people don't listen very much, and people usually don't see what's beyond the basic visuals. those that do see more than this punk ass kid. i thank everyone of you that do.

2002-01-14T19:34:00.000-08:00

more nothingness today, but i had a really interesting dream. it was quite scary. ok there were these alien bugs(i think they were aliens) that looked like catepillar things. well when they got stepped on, they evolved and stuff. well etc. etc. they started killing people.

one though, turned into a girl... she explained to me what it was, they were resurrecting themselves for what humans did to them long ago. she still could be all of the weird buglike and had these kool tentacle blade attack thingeys'(think Tail from chinese gundam in G Gundam) so she pretended to be close to me in order to do stuff. well one time something happened so i jumped and put my arm around her neck and she almost killed me. apparently she was extremely sensitive/scared of her neck(so i assumed it was their weak point). we talked and told me her story and stuff, and it totally intrigued me. i came to the conclusion of, what she's doing isn't right, but she has a right to do it. so i talked to her and she ran off saying i knew nothing.

she got caught by someone and he was about to kill her(i think) by slitting her throat, i jumped to do something(i dunno what) then i woke up.

weird shyt... but it happened. the girl looked like someone i know, no one in person, but a girl i know.

2002-01-10T02:14:00.000-08:00

omg crack updated 2 times in 2 days... scary for reals.

ah today was rather amusing... woken up to "hurry up and get ready we're gonna go take your passport picture". seems like i'm going to Vietnam for 3 weeks in march...although i want to go back to see my grandma, 3 weeks... yeah not for that long. maybe 2 woulda been kool, 1 woulda been better. i don't really wanna go for 3. they didn't even ask, it's just, you're going. blah.

oi, talked to karrie for a good while about life and worth. she's really got a great perspective. she can actually see me, like the real me. what i see me as. most people see me as a joke or a bum, she sees me differently. it's really nice for a change. it's not everyday you meet someone like that. a lot of the things she said really made me feel good. this feeling of someone finally reaching the same conclusion you've had for years. someone actually agreeing with what you thought. she needs to stop it... cuz i'm starting to really like the girl. not healthy, seeing that she doesn't date and all... blah what the hell is wrong wtih me. i should be able to control this no problem.

eh heh, didn't do much today, just think rest sleep sit online. i got my plushies finally!!! so happy. Yuki is kool. kyo is all bad ass. hahahah. ^_^ i'm gonna stop being other things. to make other people happy. if it's not problem then i will, but i've gotta stop totally going outta my way to help people. i'm not saying it's not worth it, i'm saying... i dunno if i can handle it. maybe what she said is getting to me a lil' but either way... it's better. go work on my life a lil' but still able to reach out to a soul that feels it can't anymore. we all need someone occasionally... so trust me to be there if you do.

2002-01-09T04:03:00.000-08:00

wasn't planning on blogging tonight but stuff happened. talked to karrie like usual, joked around about stuff. learning more about her all the time, either that or messing with her head hahaha. talked to justin he's busy because of procrastination like always. Matt-kun is enjoying life a lil'. caroline(iPlay) and i had some interesting discussioning. Caroline(my imouto for fakes) is getting into things i like a lil(COSPLAY XD)

the night was pretty normal read some new stuff tonight though. usually don't blog solely on this but this time i am.I read someone's entire Live Journal, who's isn't important, you prolly don't know him/her anyways. He/she is a magnificent artist, i mean, it's really breathtaking, not solely because of the quality of the work, because of how much emotion he/she puts into each picture. every single picture was like a caption of his/her heart at the time. it bothered me how everyone was so dark and painful, or purely out there to hide it. it's like a lost soul reaching for help, but at the same time not seeking it. he/she's sorta like me, in that i like reaching my hand out to people... the only thing is now people are paranoid. "what're they doing? i hope they're not trying to get with me?" "wtf! what the hell do they want. they're just gonna try to use me" the only difference really is i kept trying, and he/she gives up. i guess it hurts him/her so he/she acts bitter in return. then all they give back is a bunch of crap. this is of course just my thoughts on all this. but atleast he/she is trying, more than i can give a lot of other people. i truly respect him/her for that.

hee hee, i'm gonna head to sreep now, 4:08 and i can't publish cuz blogspot is being shitty. ugh.

2002-01-06T05:40:00.000-08:00

yay for me, so i finally listened to ayu's new album "I AM". i went throught the cd twice and there wasn't a single song i wanted to skip. the entire album is just really fucking good. i found a new "favorite song"(To Be is still my favorite but this is probably next) track 8:still alone. ugh, i've listened to this for atleast 8 hours now.

yay more criticism more crap from lots of people. DON'T REALLY GIVE A FUCK... that's done -=)

been talking to iPlay people more. heh so many things that came up. HunterXHunter, i don't really think i'm like Gon though. heh they're an awesome group. One of the closest groups interms of that kinda shyt i've met for a while, blah blah said this already.

being stupid like always... heh, yes yes i know fiona, but something funny happened a few days ago that was sorta worth it all i guess? heh heh but blah right? i'm in a strangely ok mood, i think i'm getting a job next week. yeah yeah shut up everyone... for reals. ugh i need to change my contacts, these are all blurry now, god damn it. start school in 3 more weeks(later than i thought). i thought it was gonna be next week. hmmm, wonder what'll happen after all of this. i still have my heart set on killing a bunch of people one day when i go insane due to some thing. i have someone to join me... yes... this will work. hahahhahaha. oh wait make that 11 hours that i've been listening to this song.

after about another week i'll move on to track 6. can't rem. the name too lazy to check. good track too.

watched saber marionettes j to x. why is it that all anime depresses me now. being like emotional is shitty. not like girl emotional, but like emotional for reals. ugh, gay shyt... i should go blow up a cow or something. GGPO

oyasumi ^_^

2002-01-01T21:07:00.000-08:00

ah... new years, of course i'm gonna update.

my new years was pretty fun, hung out with iPlay(yeah, of all people right?) well not all of iPlay, but that's not important

got a lot of talking done with matto-kun, just about a lot of stuff. the people we hang out with, why we do the stupid shyt we do, how stupid other people are. what have i learned from this year...

GIRLS DON'T LIKE ME, OR IF THEY DO THEY WON'T GO OUT WITH ME FOR ANOTHER REASON. -=) make what you will of it. it's true. i'm the biggest contradiction in the world. I'm an asshole, i'm incredibly nice, i'm a fucking pervert, who doesn't want to rush into sex or a pointless physical relationship, i'm a moron, who's brilliant, i'm a dick, who's incredibly sweet and considerate, i hate myself, but think i'm pretty awesome, i hate the world, but smile upon it.

well i stopped bothering with Nessa. even though she intrigues me... it goes beyond me. i have no idea what this girl is thinking/doing at any time. and i know stuff that i shouldn't. ugh, matto-kun said something and i sorta wondered about it. made me realize i shouldn't try for something that shouldn't be done.

Alice threw a huge party last night, i didn't go. She never invited me/told me about it or anything, so i thought hey, if she wanted me there she woulda said something. it was open invite pretty much, but i'm not just gonna show up. ^_^ wonder how she's doing. she seems to always have a great perspective on everything, it's pretty awesome.

I still am stuck in this weird situation with my personal feelings. it's pretty shitty, but at the same time not bad. atleast i know why/where i am this time, although it could be better, it's aiight, nothing i can't change.

talking about removing yourself and being anti-social. a lot of people have been doing it lately. it's caused, a lot of problems, but at the same time is keeping people and their thoughts in the clear. heart break... mental problems, self-esteem... god we all have a lot of fucked up minds don't we?

the friends we do have. looking at today made me think about friendships and people. most of the people i know, friendship means a lot to right? HA MY FUCKING ASS! people jump groups/friends/lives all the time. the only group i know of that hasn't changed much are TCL and iPlay. they're close friends that actually do shyt together. no one else fucking does shyt together outside of their "thing" be it cosplay/games/anime, whatever. James, is like the only friend that does stuff with me outside of that shyt too. matt, maybe, but he barely comes up or does stuff. holy fuck... i know i'm a hypocrit, but i don't fucking drive. i wish i did, cuz then maybe i could take innitiative in hanging out with people. but nope, it was funny though, watching as iPlay made plans to do stuff. i was like, wow, that's shyt you don't see everyday.

so... BLAH to the world. new year... time to fuck it all and start my shyt up again. i'm gonna avoid crap that i don't need to fucking deal with. it was all fun, but hell, it's not worth getting into crap with some of these people. if there's a good reason, i will though. SO GGPO FUCK YOU ALL! and we go back to the great saying...

"DEATH TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT"
crack's done for the year...

2001-12-24T21:15:00.000-08:00

'tis the night before christmas and all through this house...
attacks are coming... destroy them all... even that stupid mouse. GO FRUITS BASKET COSPLAY!

heh. yes well of course like always, family is attacking each other inevery which way. i've been thinking a lot(and yes i know i think too much). what i've thought about some what is advice. we all have good advice that we give to each other, friends family alike, but not all of it is good. even then, you can't force people to take the advice. we give each other the advice with good intentions, but why is it that people get so angry if the advice is not taken. this is the most part has to do with my brother. my family is on his case about his life. how "fucked up" he is, how his life is going to hell. but of course he's happy... sorta. He has what he wants and is doing what he wants, but my family gives him crap for it. only because they want him to do different. why don't they just let him do what he wants, wrong or right, they can only give the advice right?

well i went to confession on saturday(yeah yeah, don't even say a word). in the pew i had an arguement with my dad. a lot came up and for some reason all i could do was think about my grandpa that died about 8 years back. i loved him... he was such a great grand father and he was totally chill. loved doing stuff that we loved to do, always smiled and tried his best to make us happy. thing was, he was 78 when i first rem. him. it hurt thinking about him. he did a lot for me even though he was so old. he did everything he could. he picked me up from school when i was just starting. he lived about an hour away by bus, but still picked me up everyday. he didn't know a word of english, but would always try his best to get whatever i needed. i really miss him, i think back about how he loved to do puzzles and had like 30000 piece puzzles done within days and had them hanging all over the apartment.

this goes with my growing up. he was there for me more than most of the people in my life. more than both my parents... and it makes you wonder why. i was one of like 20+ grand children, but he went out of his way so much for me, and my parents were barely there in my life.

AND NOW...

i'm not alone, but i am. there's nothing i can do about it, so let's continue on unhappy but smiling.

socially? well at the moment i still have my interest in the opposite sex. searching for someone to be happy with. things'll happen as they do, the rest, itjust is. what else is there?

I'm unhappy, that's nothing new. i'm still trying though. i still have faith that sooner or later i'm gonna luck out and everything will fall into place, if not, i'll die and i won't care anymore anyways. some others need to learn that sticking where you are, unhappy, won't accomplish a thing /me looks at matt and ike.
you'll find happiness, you just haven't lucked out yet.

old friend... new friends... lost friends.

as i was sitting in church today(again... don't say a word) i was hoping i'd see someone i haven't seen for a long time. her name was hoang, she was a really good friend, i went to viet school with her for a few years. really bright good looking girl. i just lost touched after i quit school. i wonder what became of her. i wonder what happen to a lot of my lost friends. Toshi, danny, my first friends as a kid. Linda Le, my first real crush...
my friends i've had since i was a kid. not many are left. junior high friends, they're all so close, i just don't talk to them much anymore.
new friends... most of them are so great. fiona, matt, chango, a huge number more that i don't want to list. all of them affecting me. James... prolly the best a guy could want. a friend i can totally depend on to help whenever i need it. I really don't deserve a friend like him... then again... no one does. Friends support each other, that's what they're meant to do, but how long?

enemies... the world, destruction.

my hatreds have grown a lot lately. usually it's simple, the guys a moron, i don't like him. as of late, it's been totally different. i seriously hate people, and it all started a year ago. but i'm human enough to just let them happen and pass. no reason to make anything more of it.

so what do i think of the world now?
i still hate it, but what else can i do but go on. i'm gonna luck out sooner or later, then it'll all be worth it.

my changes... i've changed a lot. i want sex now for one. yeah yeah, i have a strong will, but the point is, i need to use it. that's so not like me. i'm just a pervert, not a sex fiend. i'm less forgiving. i'm being harder on things now. i'm just... annoyed more often and hold it against them.

on a lighter note, yay for cosplay. Fruits Basket Cosplay is gonna 0wn.

Now watch as i smile with a desire to kill hidden behind it and walk into the future. Xmas is a time of happiness and forgiving, i'll give it that much. i'll keep sane for atleast a little while, when i give up though... you better hope i don't get a hold of you. Karrie and me are gonna kill a lot of people one day. just hope neither of us snap.

hmph... doushta?

2001-12-12T05:20:00.000-08:00

once more i update my life. almost a full month since i did last.

where i stand now is pretty similar to where i've always been. essentially alone.

i've been alone all my life. i've had more friends than anyone i know, but i'm still alone. no one is with me in the same perspective. no one is with me in the same ideals. no one can reach out to me the way i need them to. Ami did, now she's gone and hates me. Amie hikari amie, same story. Alice, she's living her own life, i can't be a big part in it, because she's sorta in the same place i am, just a different one. fiona... she comes close, but she just doesn't have the same knack the others did. Matt, if only he knew. Bran, he's dealt with enough, he wants to live his own life away from this crap, why should i bring him down. Adrian, he tries... but he can't. it's just that, i can't explain it, but it's better for him not to get involved. i'm alone, once more, forever.

someone said something that bothered me, but i'm not gonna get into it. it's not serious, it just bothers me that's all.

everyone i knew grew up so rapidly in the past few months. so many changes, in my case, more or less for the worse, but they're all happy. every single one of them are happy. they're not in a complete solitude, but they're extremely happy.

cici? she's still their, i still miss her. i still know there's no chance in hell so don't worry i'm not killing myself or anything. Andy, so much hatred, more than i've ever had. What's becoming of me to feel like this. To feel an anger i thought i'd never allow myself to feel. he's changed a lot since i first met him, actually... he's changed little, i just never saw it.

There's so little i can depend on now... James. He's such a good friend, always there when i need him as a friend... but he doesn't follow the same mentality. we think a lot alike physically, in terms of the world, people, tastes...but emotionally, he's so different than me. but i'm glad he's here... i don't know how screwed over i'd be if he wasn't there to bail me out of situations, pick me up when i got stranded etc.

time passes, where do i see myself? i don't know, as soon as more time passes everything is going to change. all of our friends will be gone. quite honestly in a year or so, i don't think i'll see peter(dj trunks) ever again. i'll lose contact with a lot of people, like chango. feelings will change with others like they have before. constantly dying down. in the end who will be there? the only ones i can depend on? who are they? James... Bran? maybe, i don't know. i want out of this world. i hate myself, but i know without me so many things could be worse. i do help others. what would have happened if i wasn't there for kim? i don't know. maybe it would have been better? hmmm, i can just smile and go on, being myself right? fuck what the world thinks, fuck it if i'm not happy. i'll find happiness sooner or later, hopefully it won't leave me again. i love her... but i don't need her. i'm still alive.

2001-11-13T02:50:00.000-08:00

hmmm, i updated again, not like anyone reads this.

things have been off the last twodays. i've felt really not like myself. My sex drive like jumped from 3 to 23987. sex usually isn't anything to me, but i've been craving it seriously these past two days. like really wanting to have it just for the sake of having it. it's bothering me, because it's not me. to think how much i hate people like me right now.

i didn't do anything today but watch yuyuhakusho because of it. i didn't want to say something to anyone and piss them off, (like i almost did yesterday). but i hope it ends soon.

things are strange with me n' Nessa, still no relationship or anything of that sort, just friends still that talk about things . she's so different from every other girl i've ever met. she acts like caroline with a differenct aspect of life. it's really mysteriously, i seriously have no idea what this girl is thinking or what she wants in any way shape or form. maybe i'd have more fun if i just left her as a friend and didn't pursue her in a relationship way. but then again, it's me we're talking about.

Talked to erin a lil' bit about different stuff... uhm, nothing to say about it on here though, more of the inside crack's head crap that he's still wondering about.

dunno what's going on with a lot of stuff. people don't want me to know anymore, so what else is there to do.

2001-11-07T02:15:00.000-08:00

so it's been a month, what's happened, broke up with erin, got kicked outta TCL, met Nessa, been making better friends of people i already knew,(karrie Maryssa etc). i just realized like the majority of my friends are female, why is that? not really caring much about a lot of the stuff that's happening. oh i'm gonna have a big TCL discussion thing later in this.

Well, i'm doing ok, trying to get a job to save up now. found a place actually. i just need to get the job. nothing special, nothing special wanted. just need a place to work. hmmm, doing alright i guess. a lil' happy.

TCL, yeah i got kicked out. funny thing was people seemed to think i cared. Randal was having a field day just going off on me. I don't think he's ever really liked me anyways... don't mind, don't care. Sabishii, hahaha he put up with me but didn't really like me ever. he thought i was chill then thought i was gay as fuck after a certain point. to me it's all a game anyways. The rest of TCL is pretty Obvious, i barely talk to amie anymore, don't know what happened there, but she's happy, so i'll let her be. Axe wants to exploit me for all i'm worth in TA2. Begin the crack bashing fest. Kryptics never liked me, andy hates me... Matt's kool and Chango's still kool with me i think. But everythings changed. i don't really care about TCL anymore. frankly it's not TCL.

TCL was the shyts back when. Magic mountain trips, hanging out at UZ, BBQ's, Dinner, we did shyt together. TCL is a "bemani team". i guess you could say that, but none of us were in the team because of bemani. the team existed because we were all a bunch of people with different views, a common ideal, and a hatred for stupid people. Friends that hung out and fucked around. After a few months it became Amie Randal Chango and alice. after a few more alice disappeared. TCL has their times, AMOA, shyt like that... but that isn't TCL. that's just people going to an event. Yeah i got kicked out of the best bemani team ever... but i wasn't in the team because of its status in bemani. i was in it because it wasn't about bemani. so when i say i don't care about getting kicked outta TCL, i really mean it. i don't. had this been 2 years ago, i woulda been pissed though.

other things, uhm, Ami's pissed as hell at me. don't know why, i know part of it is because i broke up with erin and started seeing nessa(sorta). but i know what i did, so does Erin, it wasn't the way it seemed. and erin got that. If that's it, then i don't know what to say. Ami's mad at me, and this is honestly probably the thing that's been bothering me the most lately. Me n' her are supposed to be really close, i don't know what happened, but it hurts me knowing that she's mad. hopefully i'll be able to resolve it.

Been hanging out with James a lot more lately. Back to how it was like 2 years ago, going random places doing random shyt, talking about Games Anime etc. i still owe him money, but he knows i'm good for it, besides, not like i'll act like a dick to him or anything like some people(yes shot at andy). James is a good friend that i know i can depend on, i'm not gonna screw him over.

Yes, still in love with cici, it bothered me a lil' to see her a few nights ago. it hurt a lil, but i'm ok. she's happy, that's what's important... although i wish she wasn't happy because of the person she's with. but hey, i can't control her feelings.

Trying to catch up with Caroline more, but it's hard seeing that she's going to UCSD now. i haven't seen her for like 3 months now. it kinda sucks not seeing her. Well, this thursday we're visiting her. She's happy with Thanh still i believe. hopefully that'll last a while.

Chibi's doing alright. unstable like always, but she's ok, i'll try my best to make sure of that.

Uhm, looks like i'm the big target of hatred lately. Everyone's going against me and its the trendy thing to do. like Amie said, after the hardest times you'll see who your true friends are. i don't expect there too be many left. Joy... i didn't need anyone growing up, and i depended on people recently to get me out of my state of destruction. But that all happened... i'm me, friends aren't needed, but enjoyed.

Nessa, heh... things are sorta picking up i guess you can say? not b/f g/f or anything, we're i guess you can say dating. More like really good friends that are extremely comfortable. Sorta like Me n' cici were, sorta... i've learned a lot about her, she's intriguing. The first girl to ever make me think and wonder this much. it's a nice change.

Erin's doing ok, i still talk to her, make sure things don't fall apart for her. Making sure she doesn't do anything stupid.

Getting more into the cosplay groups and anime freaks than the bemani people. Sorta like Chris and Kimi, sorta straying away from the bemani scene into Anime again. i personally like it, but i still talk to the bemani people.

so all and all, i'm doing ok i guess. just need to figuire out how i'm gonna pull everything off, till then, back to doing nothing as time passes XD!

2001-10-04T03:57:00.000-07:00

har har har, another update it's 3:51 am.

matt'll be here in 10 hours, i need to pack for ani-magic still... heh. i need to shower and get a decent amount of sleep, well no i don't. i'll prolly stay up all night tonight. then get a good sleep tommorow.

i'm feeling so much better... in such a great mood. the only time that i can remember feeling this good(well i was happier then) was when i was with cici. i'm getting there though ^_^. i've been talking to her a lil' we're slowly coming to a balance point of comfort, no more of the, eh, should avoid, scared she might feel uncomfortable thing -=) that's nice...

been talking to matt like usual, alls well, he still feels like shyt cuz he's lonely, he reminds me of ike... they need to just walk up to a cute girl and go "hey baby, i got a bunch of cash in my wallet, let's go bust some dinner, a movie, then have some sex in my passat." hahahhahahahah that'd be pretty fucking dope. atleast ike's been listeneing to me a lil(heh i am the great corrupter, and in the words of cici... "well in a lot of ways mikey, your kind of corruption is good") hahahhahahhahahahahahha that was from so long ago. Ike, go and adventure!

alls quiet here... don't think i'm gonna see erin matsuri weekend... which is disappointing. don't know when i'm going to see her next. i miss the girl. i miss holding her. -=/

ah another quiet lil' update. i just realized i need to change my p/w to this before randal starts fucking with it... hahahhah aiight GGPO all

2001-09-25T02:41:00.000-07:00

gonna write huge ass rant about cici... last one i promise. for those of you that bother checking this still, you'll understand when i finish.

well right now i'm sick... /me sticks tongue out at erin, you did get me sick -=P. been thinking a lil' (on the train). a lot brought to me, about cecilia. as you all know the girl that destroed m emotion, but at the same time brought me to a world of light and hope. i met her for the first time when she was trying to learn deluxe's para para. i was one of two people that kne it, and i thought i'd show her. we started talking a lil', nothing serious. just aquantinces. i started to like her, i mean i always thought she was cute(in this strange way. not like wow she should be a model/actress cute. but she has this strange attractive appearance that i like), but never thought anything of it. (oh just to warn you, i'm gonna go into a lot of detail, and i may/may not offend some people, so don't read if you're gonna spread shyt, whtever) but i left it at that. one day on the way to AI i brought some pr0n(thought it'd be funny and i haven't read a cople of these doujins) and wondered if any one would get pissed or say anything. in the car with BMX and andy. andy's like, well carrot would get made, and so would chico's friend. i'm like, blah, i don't care about carey and chico's friend i don't know that well. andy goes, "what about ruri-chan(which we all knew her by, none knew her real name). i'm like, WTF? i don't know her at all. she's just the girl at AI. so night goes on, and i'm totally thinking about it. i'm like "well, what if she does get pissed... maybe i shouldn't? OH fuck... i have a thing for her". so at that point i scream out, FUCK YOU ANDY! and everyone's like wtf? i read the next day on the board how she's haing problems with her b/f(jon mesina). i try to help. -=(. i'm not gonna take adantage of that, that's just fucked up. well a few weeks pass. i decide to tell her that i sorta have a crush on her, just to get things out so i feel better about myself. learned she just broke up with jon, but got with someone else, Preston. i don't know preston that well, but he seems pretty kool. damn my luck is all i think but i just shrug it off. in telling her though. we start talking. i learn a little about the girl. she's so troubled. not in life, but with her own self-content and surronding ideas. i befriend the girl... i know what she's going though. least i can do is help her. seeing her cr was so painful. my feelings for her grew so quickly. i fell in love with the girl. i knew though she wasn't ready for all of this. a relationship... people... she just needed time alone, she needed someone to comfort her and be there for her. unfortunately... i took it to far. within the comforting, and the advice, i kissed her. i realized how stupid it was after i did it. she broke up with preston that night. don't know if it was because she had listened to me... or was it because i kissed her. the next 4 months we got closer and closer. went to her sadie's dance with her. my first french kiss happened there. it scared me to death really. i was just expecting a quick kiss then walk over get something to drink... but she stuck her tongue in my mouth and it startled me. /me sighs... probabl one of the best nights of my life. went home. made out in my drive way a lil... said our good byes. we talked all the time, phone, on line, atleast once a day for a good hour, prolly more. we weren't going out yet. she wasn't ready... and she was scared. scared she'd sa something she didn't mean. i told her i loved her already. i meant it, i still do. the next couple months were great. i skipped fanime but blargh, yeah, it was awesome. we bcame really close. tiff's going away party, karaoke in Lil' Tokyo. she sang "To Be" like usual, but this time it was different.may 5th. when she sangm she looked at me with these eyes that just called out to me. she seemed so angelic... so heavenly. i loved her and i think she finally felt the same. i sat next to her and she held my hand. i smiled she smiled, everyone looked at us funny. hahhaa. she sang love~destiny~ as her last song right before we left. she said she was lazy and didn't want to take me home so she said i should stay at her house(which we've done before). tonight was different. she put on to be on repeat and she got ready for bed, i did the same. i sat down on her bed and just sat there a lil. she came in sat down next to me like usual, talked a lil. she kissed me. we kissed a lil and she laid back. put my hand up the back of her shirt and laid next to her. pulled her closer and we kissed some more. she turned off the light and everything happened... we were litterally ______ close to having sex. she stopped me. i was so glad. i was scared outta my mind. i just fell on top of her shaking. (side note, first time i've seen her squirm that much... i guess pr0n does prepare you). sunday may 6th at 2 a.m. we officially became a couple. next morning we woke up, and i did a lil' more for her. she seemed to enjoy it, then her dad came home, blargh, so we stopped and she got up. we both showered(seperately). i was supposed to help her wash her car but i fell asleep. she didn't wake me up either. the next week was king of beat. i spent the weekend at her house. sunday night i took 3rd place and on the way home we stopped by a store and picked up some condoms...that night was my first time. 2 weeks later we broke up. she started hanging out with andy a lot and grew feelings for him. andy did the same. she left me for him pretty much. i was so in love with her. all i can do was go along with it. it hurt so much. and the rest you all know.

the reason i wrote about this was... on the train home ride. i realized that, m relationship with her was based on sacrifice. i did what i could to make her happy. the final part of this, was giving her up, to make her happy. i'm official over her. in no way does this mean i no longer love her. because i do. I have erin now... and i'm happy right now. i don't feel guilty anymore. because cici is gone... and hopefull she succeeds and becomes truly happy. i know she got a lot out of me... before i started to get close to her she as so closed, so hurt. i brought her out. and because of that... i understand.

-=) if by some chance cici still reads this, i'm sorry. for the pain i caused you, but i'm glad i was able to be there for you when you needed me. i hope you use what i gave you to further yourself. you're a wonderful girl with a lot of growing to do. best of luck. and i'm still here if you need me, even though you probably wish i weren't.

to my erin:... i'm thinking of you constantly... you're not alone

2001-08-31T02:27:00.000-07:00

ah what news as of late... nothing really. devil may cry and generation of chaos kick ass.

erin... hmmm, well she got the ruri-chan key-chain i gave her. she got me something... pete's supposed to give it to me at dragz. i wanna see her. i feel kinda cheated that i only saw her twice while up there.

the other thing that's been in my head is what i'm feeling. i feel guilty still... like this lingering love is against me. /me sighs... but i can look past it ne?

hmmm... my stomach hurts right now, maybe drinking that red mt.dew slurpee wasn't a good idea. hahahhaha.

fix printer tommorow... uhm, yeah i think that's all. oh yeah dragz... my routine is planned... sorta -=)

GGPO hopefully go up to nor cal and see erin this next week.

2001-08-21T03:50:00.000-07:00

cl3 was dope. that's about all.. ggpo all oh erin and me are ok ggpo for reals now

2001-08-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

i'm back home. another two weeks of visiting nor cal. the first trip i cleared my head. figuired out a lil' more about why i'm here. this trip was a further in my thought and personality. a lot happened to say the least. i have a girlfriend for one. Erin... i'll talk about her more later, when it's more appropriote ugh i got two hours of sleep or so these past 2 days. so tired.

fuck... i dunno stuff happened... MGL etc. i really don't give a fuck about most of it. talked to sabishii gonna be on CL3 Sunday. it's doep... let's go mother fuckers

2001-08-14T22:39:00.000-07:00

yay i'm finally posting again... ugh, been doing stuff..

well all's well i guess. met a girl named erin. someone i would really like to get to know better. if all goes well i would definitely love to start something with her. she's got this personality that i think is really dope.

i'm starting to feel a lot better about myself and things. amie made me realize a lot of shyt and i have been trying to act accordingly. she is right.

i don't get why sabishii and randal are giving me such a hard time about shyt though. ...i know i'm different... i know i'm a fucking loser in a lot of ways. but hell that's who i am, i still share the same views about a lot of shyt. I'm still TCL. i will support them just like i always have. /me shrugs... i just want to know why the fuck they're bothering me about shyt

2001-08-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

well i wrote a couple o lines, then expanded the window and it disappeared... gay. anyways...

a lot of weird shyt. just read a random blog and it hella intrigued me. girl is about 12-14(i know pedophile for reals) but her super childlike nature is just interesting. dunno maybe i'll try to talk to her or something.

kasumi-world.blogspot.com. her name is kasumi yagami(maybe it's just her name that i'm intrigued with). blah dunno.

uhm, at B5 met a girl... forget her name at the moment though. got a pic of her in white lacey lingerie though. she's pretty damn cute as well... that's pretty dope. hahahhaha. she's like old though, nothing gonna happen there just thought it was kool. so as of lately of "getting over" cici. i've met a bunch of hella dope girls. none of which i have a chance in hell with ^_^. hmmm, maybe i should be a lone though. atleast for now... till i learn more about myself in terms of relationships. i know a lot about relationships... if it's not dealing with me. weird huh? uh well.. that's how it goes. so, time to fuck around.

guy from fresno is threatening to kick my ass/kill me at MGL. shrug... what am i gonna do wright? if he tries shyt, shyt'll happen, what else is there to it. ack... shimata, time to go call ami up. GGPO all

2001-07-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

so times past... and people changed. i rarely change... i have two parts. the parts i seperated as CrackPr0n and LordPyronIkari.

i'm now calling myself wasuremono tenshi.

but life expands. i'm sticking with my name cuz i like it. but... my life. yeah a lot of people were on my case... sabishii, chibi, a lot of others. but yeah i finally am moving on. if by some mishap chance of dreaded luck, cici wants me back... i'll probably take it. but to an extent... that's like the only thing with her i'll deal with now. if she still reads this... the other half of the card. that'll be it. i'm starting to enjoy my pathetic little life. the meager surrondings and the hatreds i carry aren't much. it just is though. i found a new person i'm interested in, but it's futile. i don't give a fuck... she's a great friend. that's more important. Gema... hahahhaha. so rebirth is so cliche now. awakening is more appropriote.

Sayonara...

2001-07-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

3 days later...

heh didn't do much. saw a movie called Hot Zone. pretty good. makes you question life and pain. revenge etc. good movie. -=)

uhm, got kidnapped by ami two days ago. ended up going to denny's and wal mart where i got jr's and gary's presents(a vanilla pie and customized pens) hahahhahahha... found money on the ground, it was kool. hmmm...................................................

let's see, i had a bunch of weird fuck dreams. all of them hella weird with nothing in common. like today i saved someone from drowning. then we went to a cafe place and ate cuz the car ran out of gas(me Pete and the girl i saved... i'm not sure who cuz i don't remember her face). weird shyt for reals. argh, don't make sense. hahahhaha anyways. back to nothingness. talking to IKE a lot about stuff in his life. he's at his weird breaking stage. he was there for me... my turn to return the favor. other than that not much has happened.

tommorow i'm going to frisco with Pete Jr and ami. hanging out with ami is always great. JR and pete comedy for reals. heh aiight more later if anything actually happens. GGPO all.

2001-07-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

ok, it's been a couple of days. been up in nor cal just kicking back and stuff. i just finished my lil' wasuremono banner(with mike tai's help with teh fonts, cuz i don't have any good one's since i'm at gary's). /me sighs some more... moving on... i sorta am... but i'm still not gonna give up.

more and more things bothering me. not really a bad way... just ironic stuff. liek how andy uses the name i gave him. shyt liek that. but /me shrugs... it's nothing.

a few days ago i had dinner with Ami's family... that was weird as hell. i'm all. eh? there i got two fortune cookies. both of them like seriously... affecting my situation.

one said"the heart is more intelligent than the mind" the other said something about dealing with misunderstanding of others with balance poise and understanding. /me sighs... i tried.

my updates are getting shorter and shorter lately. i guess my lil' emotional side is losing it's drive. i'm growing back to where i didn't give a fuck about anything. i still have my emotions... but they're just not gonna be out in the open much anymore. knowing when to give up? not really. just knowing how to show you're not to seem like it's ok. -=) so for now GGPO... maybe for a lil' while

2001-07-19T02:32:00.000-07:00

interesting day. spent the entire day with ami. i was liek her slave... helped her do chores wash her car, buy stuff(kitty litter, underwear etc.). was pretty strange, cuz i had fun. just hanging out. had a long talk with gary about a lot of stuff. i'm learning more and more about everyone and everything everyday. i'll expand a lot more later... when i really am able to. i don't know where i stand anymore. i'm still in love with her... but... :::cough::: /me sighs... i want to give up... but i don't. ugh...

2001-07-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

ah being in nor cal is pretty fun, haven't done much. the only important things i've done is talk to ami about sutff. hmmm...tired

i was going to add this in my last post but forgot too. a conversation i had with my friend cindy a long time ago. she said this about me "i know you know a lot about love and life. i'm glad i don't. being the nice ignorant girl. this way if me and luan break up or anything i can just be like, hey i don't know anything about love... so i can't say i love him. it'll be a lot easier. then i can just move on to the next guy. but with you. you know so much that you do know what love is. and because you do you'll only find someone to fall in love with. and because you're so young, you're bound to fall in love with someone that doesn't know but thinks they know what love is. and you're gonna get hurt by them."

she's so right too. for me to get into a relationship right now... i'd have to see something amazing in them. a quality that makes me feel so close. someone i know well... that i can easily fall in love with. /me sighs. i wish i was someone that didn't know anything at times.

i saw a movie last night with JR and Gary... well two actually. bayside shake down(Rhythm and police for reals) and take me to polaris(or something liek that).. take me to polaris is such a sad movie. really reaches out to you and pulls the emotional pain of love and caring out. how much would you be willing to do for love... if you couldn't be with that person. if any of you have seen that movie. rem. the thing at the end that was done for dr. woo? why do i feel i'd do the same thing? right now for that matter. i think i would if i had to.

i'm gonna watch a movie later today called "and i hate you so". another sad romantic love story of pain thing. Bran loved the movie... i probably will too.

i'm troubled right now. whether i should or shouldn't. whether i'm capable or not. so much i can't figuire out... i need to though. but i can't.

2001-07-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

the wonders simply baffle me. the world in its entireity everything... it all just constantly drills at me trying to kill me, well not kill, but break me. does it really want me to turn against the world? that's what is seems like.

trust... it seems to be a big subject in a lot of people's things right now. there were a lot of people i trusted... that turned their back on me. i don't know where they really stand, but i know they don't support me anymore. all because of this break up? the friendship that me and andy used to have? because i gave up on him? amie, alice, cici, most of TCL(well some before hand and i know why but...) a lot of people in the community o "ddr"people. people i used to be close too. not anymore. some of them are even talking shyt about me. /me sighs... what can i do though right?

trust... within the "community" there are only 4 people i trust. bran, fiona, matt... and Ami. the only four i believe i can share my thoughts and opinions, ideas, feelings freely without fear. there are a handful of others i trust to talk to as well. Isaac, my imouto caroline. chibi... i can't put my full trust in her, but it's close.

i tried my best for everything. yeah it's like i'm trying to save the world. and i know very well i can't. but i can atleast try. there's so much pain in this world. and so many people that are of the unknowing. it's not a fault or anything, just it's what is. it was so great to hear that holland has been saying stuff about me. and it's kind of ironic that iw as the one that always talked to him when he was having problems... and tried to help him out. then he goes and says that it's a fault to try and save the world? /me sighs... it seems a lot of people are doing this right now too.

just got back from reno and fiona-con. it was fun... but a lot of problems. within myself, not in general.

the trip there was simply amazing the trip had a magnificent view of the stars. this made me so depressed. and just as when i was feeling really low(right when To Be acoustic started) i saw a shooting star. it was beautiful. whether it was to give me hope or just to make me feel worst... i dunno... but it was simply amazing. /me sighs.

why is everyone turning against me? what did i do that was wrong? i fell in love. and i'm still in love. i gave up on someone... should i have? some agree some don't. but what did i do that was wrong?

"i wish i was special... but i'm a creep"-radiohead

i used to put myself so low, now that i've finally built some confidence, everyone's against me.

2001-07-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

ah the wonders of AX. I just got home, technically for me AX lasted one week. from last tuesday to now. so much happened...

tuesday... the third. matt's bbq. i get a ride up to AI and meet up with nor cal. we hit the bbq. do all this shyt blah blah blah blah... i'm not gonna talk about events cuz i don't need to, unless it's important.

this week consisted of a lot of things happening... everyone's saying drama... i'm not gonna use that word. i'm gonna say growing up... i met and hung out with a lot of people i rarely get to see, and in some cases first met. i'll start with fiona.

ok first i'll state this for the people that were at AX. NOTHING IS GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND FIONA. her and holland... well, if you know about it then you do, if not, then you don't. as for me... me n' fiona are friends, and she was drunk when she said this, but i know she meant it. "Mikey, i know that nothing is happening or going to happen between us, right now anyways. I know you're still in love with cici, and i know you wouldn't give up for almost anything at the moment. but if this were different... i would want you for my boyfriend in a heartbeat. you're such a great guy... so sweet... everything". my response to this was. "i don't know, maybe if things were different... but they're not, and even then I wouldn't... because of holland. it'll bother him a lot and that's not worth doing. but you're a great person fiona... just patience is what you need." hmmm... i wonder what to make of it all...

the next person would be ami(i think ami and not amie, not sure). paraparaprincess on DDRSPOT. interesting life she's held so far. in an indirect way she made me feel a lot better about myself. i'm not gonna comment on her life or anything. but it's good to hear a cute girl with a lot of background tell you how much of a great guy you are. she taught me a lot about myself... and other people. and a lot of her comments made me laugh and feel better. seriously, that and i could actually joke around her without caring. not often i find a girl liek that.

those two for the most part made up the entirity of my weekend.

liz and her stories... everyone having so many problems and everything. Sam and his mentality. we were all a bunch of people interacting this hellish ploy... yet having the time of our lives at the same time. how'd it all work?

i learned a lot of people this weekend. AX prom. wasn't this a lovely event. my bags were lost, with ALL of my stuff. all that i had were my shoes and my van costume. everything else was in my bags. prom comes up and no one knows what happened to them. everyone's all worried about everything and going nuts. everyone feels bad so i feel like crap. oh great my bags were lost now everyone is in a bad mood. fiona is talking to me about everything and i start crying. why does this have to happen. because someone misplaced my bags everyone elses night is going down. well everyone leaves to the prom and me n' fiona are still talking. we realize that everyone left so i decide to walk fiona to the restaurant then i'll head back. on the way out in the lobby... my bags are sitting in the middle of the room. ok, WHY no one picked them up when we checked in is beyond me. especially when they said they were going to (cuz i had to go get fiona's badge). so i get dressed and we head out to the restaurant. get there... everyone's there. i felt kinda bad seeing cici and andy. just reminded me how i didn't get to goto prom. but /me sighs... what're you gonna do right? the night continued and we all took pictures. fiona and ami trying to make me feel better by having me the center of attention. in all of the "girls" only pictures, some how i was invited in to almost all of them. and the group ones for the most i'm in the middle of them all. hahhaha thanks you two.

friday night we went to dinner in OC. me, fiona, liz, sam, pack, ami. had fun... ami and fiona saying how great of a guy i was. heh... was kool. pho at 2 a.m. doep. we were supposed to drink but we didn't.

saturday, we 0wned the tournies blah blah. saturday night. we got fucked up. i drank a good amount. i didn't get drunk but i was buzzed as hell. it was nice. and for a good 3/4 of the buzz i didn't think about anything bothering me(well i talked to others what was bothering them). the last quarter... well... i still love her. more thoughts on everything.

sunday... not much hung out. moved all of our shyt around. stuff liek that. went to ai, more stuff. etc.

the last two days(monday/tuesday) were just insanity. us all going off and just having fun. me living as CrackPr0n again. not caring about life just having fun. heh, ami's hella doep. fiona 0wns too. and i'd liek to thank them both for all the fun and stuff.

i heard this line during the preview for one of the movies... but i liked it... "You can't run away from love"... you can't cheat your true feelings... whether love or hate... your feelings are there, you can't change them.

2001-07-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

one day pasts and so much shyt happens it's not even funny anymore.

woke up after like 3 hours of sleep to answer my phone. getting a ride to ai from my friend to meet up with nor cal people. get there at 11:30 sit at AI listening to old cd's... i listened to ELT's everlasting again. season and looking back on your love... i can't belive i haven't listened to those songs in so long, i love those songs. well at around 1 peter shows up with my stuff. kool. jon drives by i flip him off and he stops. we kick back for a while waiting for nor cal to show up. everyone does, jr,gary,holland etc. etc. kimi orofski holland and rene goto puente hills mall cuz fiona is there. we thought they were gonna come back, we were wrong. we goto matt's at liek 5 sitting in traffic. we show up and mess around for about 4 hours. hella fun for reals. (sorrymatt about the mayhem, and your parents killing you when we left...) get to AI. just kicking back.problems happen... fiona holland... ugh. holland has so much to learn... fiona, just needs to be patient. more problems in my head but not for now. maybe a different time... cici looks good in shorts... really good. -=) hahhahahah. ugh... gonna sleep now... even though i don't want to. Ja...

oh that and fiona's sister thought i was the cutest one out of everyone at the bbq. -=) that sorta made me feel a lil' better.

"happiness is found through self exploration and acceptance, of both you and others. when those we care about don't except us it hurts. but maybe they're just scared of the situation and don't know what lines should/shouldn't be crossed." - mikey in referring to love friendship... and pain

2001-07-03T01:49:00.000-07:00

that was interesting... i'm like really depressed now. i decide to open up my old mail today... only to find that it has all been deleted. the first time me n' cici started talking, the mail where i explained to joanne the wonders of stupid ass guys, the mail where i talked about how i fell in love with cici. /me sighs. those were important to me. now they're gone... ugh.

i dwell in a lot of stuff. been talking to ike a lot these past few days. he made me make a promise to him. that i'd watch over cici in his absence. and i said i would... but to the best i can. i don't think she wants me to be her "close" friend anymore. because it would be awkward. even though AX is going to be hella fun and just so much randomage... it's gonna be awkward. not nec. for me... but for a lot of people. /me sighs, i'm just wondering a lot of stuff now. gotta go get some gloves for van costume later. i hate wearing gloves though -=(.

other person i talked to a lil' today was karrie. she's kool. if i never met cici i would've probably been interested in her. and maybe tried to get to know her better. but noep. she talked to me a lil' about stuff. she agrees with ike's view in things.

hung out with eddie today. didn't do much just chill. saw a really cute girl at shgl. was suprising, you never see really cute girls there cept for the ones you already know(chibi, cici, etc. etc. well anna but that's supare rare).

been thinking a lot about what bran and ike said. still don't know what to do.

i was so pissed the past couple of days. and today i was just depressed. everything happens for a reason. but people make things happen. both fate and free will take place. by one action a chain reaction occurs of fate. so one choice can determine many others through fate. but it's that first action that decided it. Falling in love... i talked to karrie about this a lil(sorta). the immense pain that comes from it... but love is also the greatest feeling in the world. When i fell in love it led to this chain reaction of fate. both good and bad. i remember tlking to cici about this. how we used to talk about not being good enough for one another. i said i didn't deserve a girl like her. she deserved a successful guy with the ability to give her everything. she said she didn't deserve a guy like me... a truly loving and caring person willing to do so much for her. and not until 4 days before we broke up did i truly understand... it's not about deserving each other... it's not about being good enough. it's about loving and acceptance. taking everything, flaws and all, and learning to live with them and perhaps remove them together. i don't know how she feels about all of this anymore, or if she even remembers these talks we had. we talked about how she thought she causes so much pain, that it's not worth it for me. and i told her that what ever happens does... and that i'm willing to risk being hurt. and i was... i still am. which is why i'm still holding on. and i'm glad there's people that support me in holding on to what i believe. in what i love. thanks karrie... matt... amie... alice... maryanne... and especially kimi... chris... ike... and bran, and everyone else. and sorta in a different way... thomas, but that's a different story and a different explaination. i used to hate him, really hate him. and then i learned a little about the situation and life... the entire story, and it all changed. he said something to me that i think about a lot now... chris said it today too...

"a lot can happen in a month..." this past month has shown that. makes me wonder what's going to happen this month... there's a lot to see and do, but there's a lot to hold on to. /me breathes in... AX is coming, this starts it all... Sayonara...

2001-07-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

sigh... as a few of you know(i don't think he does yet, i don't think he care...) i said fuck it to the relations i had with andy. if he wants to act like a dick and not want me as a friend than that's fine. i tried to put up with it... it didn't work. i'm not gonna just wait for him to get over his little temper tantrum and then pretend that nothing happened.

oh so much i want to say... but find no reason to. it's pointless for me to so i won't.

talked to cici about it. i know she doesn't "like" it, but she accepts it i guess. i just hope she doesn't let this bother her or our relations.

so much in my mind... so much pain... so much hate. so much love wanting to get out... loneliness. i feel so alone again. reading old logs, old journals, old mails. reread how me n' cici started getting to know each other. heh... it almost made me cry. it was nice to relive though. been thinking a lot... ike agrees with bran. but i don't know... /me sighs. that's all, i don't like not being able to write what's on my mind because i'm scared it might hurt others.

ungh, SHIMATA-Ky Kiske GGX

2001-07-01T03:54:00.000-07:00

a lot to be said... but not here. another time... want to say thanks to joanna though... my older sister? heh, it's about time i had an older sibling... hahahhaha

2001-06-29T03:21:00.001-07:00

june 29th... today at 5:15 approximately it'll be exactly one month since me and cici broke up.

when i woke up this morning i had a lot going on through my head. it's 3 o'clock right now... 2 hours until it happened. the entire day i've been reliving all of my memories. i've been thinking about things about me. things about andy... they actually go together. i was so jealous of andy. hell everyone knew it to. i was jealous of his looks, him having a car... a family that didn't throw him out or beat him up or talk shyt about him constantly. and then i got to thinking. don't take this the wrong way whoever is reading this... but i realized. andy isn't that good looking. i mean seriously... he has the rep of being the pretty boy of the ddr world... and that's why i was jealous. but i thought about it. he looks the same as he does in his high school yearbook(minus the stupid expression and totally broken out face). he's not THAT good looking. he's still a good looking guy, but not the amazing thing people make him out to be. what gives him this appearance comes from how he is. how he dresses... his hair etc. now compared to me, i dress like shyt, he always dresses to impress... always does his hair all nice. and i was looking at the prom pic of him and cici, he looks the same as when he goes to ai cept the jacket. now i thought... well what if i tried as hard to look good, what then? but i came to this... when we were at bran's pool party... i remember andy's hair after it dried... seriously... he looked liek a dork. even matt thought it was funny. but the thing is that he didn't really look that bad. it's just we're so used to seeing him all pimpified, that seeing him as anything less makes him look THAT much more bad. it'd be like, could you imagine andy in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt? no offense, but i'd find it hillarious. where am i going with all this...

i'm gonna actually start looking decent. i'm not gonna go all out and try to be all pimp and shyt, cuz then that would just make me stuck up. i'm just going to care about my appearance a lil more... no more just picking a random t-shirt and pulling on a pair of jeans. -=). i'm gonna get a decent hair cut(after AX) and i'll actually do my hair more often... hahhahahahhaha. i guess this all started with my contacts. and a few people telling me that i'm a cute guy. (people that had no obligation too... thanks karrie... eddie...).

i've always thought... why do people always dress up for everything. who are they trying to impress? you shouldn't have to try and impress your friends, or those you care about. i mean it's nice to dress up for them... like so your g/f's friends don't think you're a totally fucked up loser. or you're going out to dinner. but if it's to hangout, what's the point? not dressing up, and dressing liek shyt are two different things.

to be is playing right now. these words actually happened literally, together. this morning during my little flash back, while i was crying, but i was smiling at the same time. pain, happiness... all in one. and when it stopped... i felt like nothing. but i'm not nothing. i just need to find what i really am, and to who.

was talking to isaac about dreams. heh... won't get into it, might get people pissed.

yeah starting tommorow, i'm actually gonna look decent at AI tommorow.

just said good night to cici. i wonder what she thinks of me now. am i a friend to her, or a guy that likes her? an ex b/f... what am i? hmm... maybe it's better that i not wonder... or that i not make her think about it. i wonder what andy sees me as... competition, and ex-friend? his g/f's ex b/f? i don't know what i see andy as anymore. but i'm not gonna act upon anything... for now i'll wait this out...

how much would you do for someone? to prove you care... how much do you actually care? i'm scared to think what i'd actually do. cuz honestly... if i'm willing to die for someone i consider someone that's just a good friend... what would i do for someone i love. you know the old song, Ain't no mountain high enough? i would do anything physically possible. i'd do anything to see them happy. give up anything... to make them feel better. am i good friend? or just a pathetic loser. either or, that's what i am... /me sighs... i'm trying to hard. i'm gonna just fix myself up... and try to get myself in a position i like with life... and maybe then i'll rethink everything... for now... i'll leave it at that. till next time.. crack out... GGPO!

2001-06-29T03:21:00.000-07:00

2001-06-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

ok i got tired last night so i didn't blog. wow... yesterday was a big day... so much emotional change... both for better and worst. /me breaths hard when me n' cici broke up... it was really hard on me. i constantly cried... i could barely even keep up. i was hella depressed. within 4 days i was better. Kimmie(nguyen) kimi, other kimmie, chris, joanna, maryanne, amie, bran, everyone helped me out of it. everyone got me up and able to smile and just live it. like i said in my last post i walked by the park. only, it did a lot more than what i wrote. as i walked by the park i looked out, i saw the parking space she parked in, the bench we sat at and then moved away from because she was afraid of getting wet. i saw the bleachers we then sat at. i remember talking about my glasses... how she just smiled. how i had a cough from a throat infection i got from her. the discussion we had about that. the dicussion we had about who we were... as in me and her... we weren't a couple, or dating... we just were two people in a unique relationship that wasn't a relationship. i remembered her touch... my arm around her.

when i got home, everything was still in my mind and i just went with it. then remember you started playing... i started crying. who and what am i? i'm nothing compared to what i thought i was... but i have so much that i'm a lot to a lot of people. i don't understand it. i've never been able to live up to anyone, yet i'm recognized to be so much. i've never tried to impress people with my personality. i've always acted how i am. i never tried to treat a girl well, or poorly, i never tried to help out a friend or to fuck one over. i just do things according to who and what i am. i do it without having to try. i just do them.

i talked to isaac, bran, joanna. bran and joanna told me a lot of what is right, and what i should do. isaac told me the truth in how i feel and everything though.i went to bed and when i woke up... i laid there for about 30 min. literally every memory i had of her went through my mind. every discussion... every action. every thought. it was strange... both so comforting and so painful. i was crying... but i just smiled the entire time... seeing her and reliving these moments. Remember you... seriously... it's becoming to real for me.

what does this all mean. i can take this two ways. one i'm never going to get over(or don't want to it may seem) her and i'll hold her in my heart and wait literally forever. or i'm starting to try and look past her. not necessarilly give up... but to stop. to back up and to "stay out" of her life. as in, not talk to her unless there's a reason. no more joking around and poking her etc.

i haven't decided which. unfortunately, there is no middle road i can take. /me sighs. to push myself back to a very small part of her life. or remain where i am. it's a hard decision.

ike's leaving on a buisness trip this tuesday. the week of AX. and me n' him were talking a lil' about things. i don't know what i'm going to do... but i made a promise to him... after that promise is concluded i'll think more about it

2001-06-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

/me sighs... again... it's early, i'll probably blog again later tonight(or tommorow morning actually).

ok read cici's blog again. she's saying i'm being dense and not seeing things through her/andy's eyes(i think anyways... i'm not going to say that's for certain). i'm trying. i'm trying to be happy for you two. but at the same time it's hard. because i see a lot wrong. don't take that statement the wrong way please.

as for the thing about hypocrits... i don't want to say this, but we all need to look at ourselves... we accuse so many people of so many things... but in the end... we're hypocrits just liek everyone else. (some more than others, but i'm not saying anything right now, because i don't feel like having random people bitch at me).

what are we? seriously... who and what are we. from the trendy azn, to the stereotypical smart asian kid, to... i guess the quietly insane one trying to find happiness in life. we are truly nothing, and truly everything at the same time. People in whole are all intertwined with everyone else. no matter what you do, it affects people. from picking up a nickel off the ground to telling someone you hate them, to coughing. EVERYTHING affects those around you. in turn everyone else affects you. there is a community happiness, a community sadness... if someone has something good happen to them, then those around them feel it to, not at the same level... but they do. same with sadness... but usually there's a balance, happiness for someone=sadness for someone else. and vice versa.

Love... the world doesn't run on love alone... but it's the basis for 99% of the things people do. you ever listen to Expo Expo-Mflo? well there's a track on it with an intro about earth... it's good. Love is the driving force that make people act. but love is subdivisioned into more, desire... pain... lust... passion... all of them make the world move.

i was walking home today from pretty far and walked by a park... place me n' cici went once. and i walked by and just thought about everything. how complicated things were back then. and how i complained about things in my mind back then. and how much more worse it is now.

it seems isaac gave up on phil. i wonder how close i am to doing the same with andy. would i? i've only done it to one person i've considered a friend. to just give up on them completely. Craig's not so sure himself about his position with andy. hell he doesn't even know what he did wrong. i'm still not sure what i did wrong. for him to keep getting pissed at me. he's probably gonna get pissed when he reads that... but it's the truth. friends mean a lot to me. and i never do anything to try and diliberately hurt them... usually if it hurts them it's not really pain, more of comedic stupidity and annoyance. either that or realistic POV discussion. but then again... maybe i'm just kidding myself some more. i really don't know anymore. /me sighs... UGH... i need to stop thinking...

hahha like chango was saying, we need to be like we used to be. i need to be like i was last summer, when i didn't give a fuck about shyt, and i was just CRACKPr0n FR! and then i had to go and ruin it by falling in love. but that love made me feel complete when i had it. compared to empty humor found it not caring. but now that's it's gone i feel nothing. but at the same time i'm happy with being who i am. but still not complete... /me sighs... i'll prolly write more later. right now i need to call fiona.

2001-06-27T03:20:00.000-07:00

/me sighs... ever read something that made your mind and heart just drop completely?

i was reading cici's blog tonight. she's talking about moving in with andy... well if they can anyways. heh funny thing is, me n' her "talked" about this, and she was all saying how it'd be all strange and that she didn't think it'd happen. i'm glad she's happy and everything but... this brings me to another part of the blogger. she said that when things are not achievable they're that much more desired. i don't think it's that... it's that when you see someone else achieving it... it hurts... and you want it that much more. to fulfill the emptiness within you. I was talking to a few people about somethings... why andy is acting so bitterly towards me for any little thing, that used to be just fun and messing around to us. maybe he feels guilty for what happened? maybe he sees me as a rival? technically i am a rival... but he doesn't have to see me like that. i'm not trying to compete... otherwise i'd talk shyt about him(realisticly of course). but i'm not... right now i'm putting my feelings aside because they'll get in the way otherwise. but there's all these little things i would do if the situation were different(such as a week ago she was complaining bout her neck hurting... /me can't give good massages or anything, but the least i could do is try right? and i know she loves them anyways).but i didn't say or do anything cuz i thought it might make things odd. so many things i wanted to do with her that we didn't because she didn't feel like it or maybe i didn't or whatnot... goto the movies... watch Gattaca with her. (yeah i remember little things like that... and i was going to ask you if you wanted to after my dinner thingey on our "1 month"). /me sighs again. getting life together. despite how things went... i still think if not realistically, subconsciously (her) my situation urged our break up. me not driving, me not graduating yet. me not having a job. -=/ i dunno i'm just thinking a lot tonight. it's like, why would a girl want to be with a guy with no security? but it's not that... does security REALLY matter? i mean i'm young... security doesn't exist yet... even for people with a job with a car going to a good college next year... there's no security with them either. we're still finding our place. but then again i'm just on drugs and she probably didn't really give a fuck about any of this.

/me has been thinking a lot... i have L'arc en ciel's flower/blurry eyes, megumi's Good Luck, Ayu's To Be acoustic, and Naoki's Rem. you on repeat... ever since last night. i've been thinking of giving up. giving up on cici. giving up on love. but what would that say about me. i never give up, i never quit. i mean if it's literally a lost cause then i will. but if there's any chance at all, i probably won't give up on anything. and then i smiled. Grace... people don't take it incorrectly. Grace is an upbringing from a bad situation, a resolution not technically earned... but received through the realization of a wrong doing and the trying to change it.

so i watched the Fast/Furious today. eddie paid and it beat sitting at shgl with nothing to do. it wasn't that bad... ending sucked though. sigh, in the theatre though i thought back about the not seeing a movie with cici ever. it kinda sucked. no rephrase... IT SUCKED FOR REALS. /me sighs, uh well. the other thing that really hit me was this scene... where they kissed a couple of times... i swear i relived a moment when i kissed cici... after the dance... ugh... wtf am i doing... SHIMATA!!! fuck... why can't i think str... why the hell is she still embedded in my mind so deeply. FUCK MY FEELINGS... my feelings for her are only going to cause problems. damn it... nevermind.

ok i guess i'm feeling a little down again. partially because of some realization and some thought. but again... nothing i'll post here, this goes in to "crack's corner to run and avoid the world" my other blog... hahha no one knows the address though, it's my magic little space to post thoughts that no one's going to ever see. figuire it out if you want to try... you won't... i just looked at the address again... fuck what was i smoking when i picked that? but hmmm... uh well, continue on

ike's realizing a lot about life and jealousy. i will tell you this ike, i know how erica feels... it hurts. but at the same time, she's not dealing with it the right away(i'm not either... /me scrolls up and sees that). don't get pissed at her... she just doesn't understand what she's doing. like you said she's of the "higher" class... she doesn't realize how stupid she's being... like we all do a lot. just leave her be. as for phil... he's on his trip of self identification... he'll realize how stupid he's being... and if not, then he'll give up your friendship... his choice... i see your sit. with phil a lot like mine and andy... /me shrugs... so what's your take?

k' blurry eyes is on right now... and for the most... it's how i feel... or should be saying atleast

2001-06-26T02:59:00.000-07:00

ah in one day so much can happen. theory, destruction, idea, enlightenment, discovery... more destruction... expansion.

well as i stated last blog, i hax0red andy's board. figuired out the p/w. well i guess he didn't read how I DIDN'T READ ANYTHING AND SWORE BY IT... because he banned me and said, FUCK NOSY PEOPLE. like i said, i didn't care about the contents, nor do i care about reading it... i easily could have, i easily could've read all the post and not told a single person and continued to do so. but i didn't, cuz i felt i shouldn't, and i don't really want to read it cuz i'm not supposed to. but apparently he doesn't understand that and i'm banned and he's pissed at me again... /me sighs... ugh.

so what do i make of this. ok people are saying, it was fucked up of me to do that... to invade his privacy. i didn't... i mean ok i broke into somewhere where i shouldn't... but i didn't do any harm. so what's to be that upset about? fine if he wants to get pissed then let him. i've come to the conclusion that, I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ACT A CERTAIN WAY AROUND HIM SO HE DOESN'T FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO OR NOT DO THINGS, SO HE DOESN'T FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. just like when i said, i hate vincent... cici is still nice to him, friendly, etc. she's friends with the girl he's currently "interested/seeing"(i don't know exactly what and i frankly don't care). she's not gonna change how she's acting to fit me, i didn't want her to. so why should i for andy? the cracking the p/w? i was bored... and it was there... that's why i did it. sure i coulda tried the iPlay one, but i don't know who made the p/w and i barely know them. cracking that woulda been almost impossible. so i cracked a p/w and didn't read anything... I'm evil aren't i? /me sighs, well he's mad, whatever happens will... i'm going to be liek craig now... leave him be. i'm not gonna try to reach out to him while he spits in my face.

as for the expanding etc... that's for me to figuire out... my own contemplation.

well i hung out with eddie today. we went to lunch/dinner (SUNCH!) with tammy at bj's. pizza... mmm. well then we head to shgl. i met anna(uhm, for those of you that seen his pictures, the really cute viet girl). she's pretty kool... hella cute, and all lolita. hahhhahahahhahahahahhhahhhahahhahahahhahahha. i wanted to use cheap(bran) pick up lines on her but eddie stopped me but we told her about it... how we had some really bad shitty pick up lines. the rest of the day was pretty bland...

well got home, had a couple of talks with people(craig/my imouto caroline). finally re/d/led remember you(YAY AN ACTUAL GOOD COPY AFTER A MONTH AND A HALF OF A SHITTY ONE!)

so where do i stand. i talked to cici, she's not really mad at me(i think)... that's good. me n' eddie are hanging out more, that's kool. andy hates me once more, shrug... what am i gonna do right? my bro gave me some kool clothes... ooh nifty. hahhahahahaha... and i still don't want to move on. still waiting for another chance with cici. don't know if it will happen, and frankly i don't think the chances are very good. but hell i'm still waiting, because there's atleast some chance. /me sighs... k' everything is happening, i just have to let it. and prepare for AX. -=)

2001-06-25T04:14:00.000-07:00

eh... well let's start off with perhaps the most moving thing that's happened to me(positive) in awhile. i was at bran's house this morning at around... 5 and i looked outside it was still pretty dark so i went out. and looked at the great view. it was truly beautiful. and i watched as the sun rised. it was so touching... seeing the horizon change as the sun moved across... seeing the light glare up. it was truly beautiful. /me sighs... too bad the day made me question and think a lot of stuff...

talked to a few people about everything. matt and bran agree with me thoughts... for the most anyways. my other out there thoughts... well... to some degree, maybe? well probably not, but it might be... hahah i wish... talked to isaac about stuff... seems things are going rather interestingly in his life. life unfolds and new horizons appear... but more importantly, familiar grounds change. he's having troubles with a friend of his... not nec. bad, but troubling... to some extent. hmmm... we'll figuire it out.

as for me. i'm still off in my state of exploration. it's drawing towards and end though. i'm reaching my point of isolation in terms of community etc. i'll still talk to those close to me, but i'll draw back a lil' from the people that just know me. -=/ sorry, it's like time for crackie to be alone for a lil. too much in my head for the moment. that karma book is incredibly good. i've finished about half... there's an entire section about karma and serenity... serenity... a word i use a lot... something i hope to seek...

ah... i was bored and i wondered how well i knew andy... i figuired out the pw to his special section on the board in 3 tries... i was actually sorta suprised... for reals. i didn't read anything though... i'm not supposed to read any of it, so i won't. and i swear by that.

so much i wish i could tell people(like certain things to certain people). but some of them would just get mad and take it the wrong way... :::sigh::: must let others make their own mistakes. but the bran's theory is becoming more and more apparent in my mind. it's coming to the point where i'm going to agree with it. it's not fully there, but i will agree. holy shyt i'm tired. i'm nodding off for reals. i've learned that friends are rare... real ones. the people that seem closest to you can leave in an instant... i wish people were more like me in terms of that... loyalty is important to me... but it's also my flaw. people take advantage of me.

Cici... interesting... seems me n' ike had the same conversation you had with him a few nights ago... perhaps you are starting to figuire out what i have... then again... i might just be looking to hard into things... i'll be quiet now. but like always, i offer a body to listen to you if you need it... -=) k'... i need, damn i shoulda started a new line... i will now...

k' i need to sleep now, i'm nodding off for reals.

song of the moment:good luck... why does my favorite song have to be about breaking up... and being happy for the other person. -=) maybe because i'm that kind of person? or i'm just trying to torment myself...

2001-06-24T05:52:00.000-07:00

yeah i'm gonna skip like the things we did today cuz it's rather pointless... well things worth talking about. today was pretty kool, at claim jumpers i ate a bunch of stuff in a bread bowl... was pretty kool. did my D.R. routine chango kicked my ass... that was ownage.

ok on to mental stuff and thinkage for reals. when i was doing all that it made me wonder, who am i. then i looked at cici and used her as a basis. what does she see in me. am i a jokester, or the serious guy. am i the romantic or the immature kid. it made me think to the point i started confusing myself. i concluded that, i'm a serious guy, that screws around to make other people happy or to entertain. for others to feel better. the throw the stuff in the bowl and eat it, it was for everyone else, a show for reals. i wonder if it's this kinda stuff that cici didn't like about me. heh, but what do i know? hahaha...

the other thing worth mentioning... when we were all watching the Kei/Orochi doubles battle... i noticed cici on the balcony staring off into space. Pyronikari instinct told me to go over and talk to her... she seemed confused or questioning or something... as if something was wrong. but my mind got to the better of me and said...i shouldn't... it'd make things complicated. i asked her if anything was wrong, she said no... why do i get the feeling everything isn't. i'm not saying i have an ability to know anything is wrong or anything, but it's something i noticed, i'm usually right when it comes to her. but if she doesn't want to talk about it(like it is a lot when i think something is wrong) then who am i to force her or say anything right? but just to let you know cici... i'm here to talk if you need to. self questioning is good, it helps us advance... but if we don't open up, we only confuse ourselves. -=)

/me is getting tired... bbl maybe tommorow night, prolly not monday though. GGPO all

2001-06-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

ah, well today was nice. great pool party etc. prtty weird though. both my ex g/f's at the same place wearing lil' clothing. oddness. hahah. damn... cici looked amazing as usual. but what was making me feel strange was her being so laid back and stuff. when she was laying down on the bed on her stomach with her feet up. i wanted to go up and put my arms around her, it just felt like we were still together. and when she was laying down next to the pool with her eyes closed. it just felt like we were still together. ack. what am i thinking though. ugh, karma's gonna screw some more for those thoughts. i didn't mean to but it just was weird.

well i thought up a lot of stuff in terms of idea and theory today. most were for the better. bran/matt/kimi agree. well kimi didn't here the last of my idea, but it'll be told to her tommorow. heh. aiight well for now, i'm going to bed, nothing really left to talk about. -=/. my life getting slow again? n'ah just don't feel like it right now. nothing worth writing.

2001-06-22T04:41:00.000-07:00

first like to say i fixed my archives, they should work now... if not, well gay. anyways, yeah so the new comers can go back and read.

w00t w00t... ok been reading more and more of my Karma book. this book is so true. it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. it describes me and more and more about life, how it works, why everything happened. it makes so much sense. i wish i read it sooner, because i realized a lot of what's in it recently, and after i read it, it was just totally mind blowing. the latest of it was about attitude and karmic results. how not only your actions but your perception of things influence life. When one complains about not getting anything but the worst... always hating how he/she only gets the worst... it happens. when the person thinks that he or she deserves better than the worst, maybe they'll actually get it. this is something i learned recently. when me and cici first started getting closer i told her how much i didn't deserve her etc. etc. but when i think about it... why don't i. i'm a nice guy, i care about people. i have feelings for her... why don't i deserve her? It's self acceptance. if i believe i'm ok, then i am. she said the same things back though. she didn't deserve me. i wonder if she realizes what i have learned.

I've always had this look at myself where i was a total pathetic loser. i'm not, i'm just misfortuned at the moment. karmanic reactions to my thought of being a loser. i thought of myself as one so i was one. i grew pass that. i'm a good person...

maybe thigs will start changing now, maybe not, i'm still paying for my thoughts and actions... when this is over i hope my present thoughts and actions will return in the form of life. i'm not asking for all this good shyt to happen. just a balance.

Been talking to bran some about myself. i figuired out that, i'm NOT a good boyfriend... and i probably will never be one. I'm a good husband... Boyfriends are there to show a girl a good time, to thrill her. that's not me. i'm the quiet sweet guy. i'll explain

a boyfriend is a person who takes a girl out to the ice park and screws around, who jokes around and plays little games, takes her out to the movies and just has fun. June 6th... would have been our one month anniversary. this is what i had planned. i was going to get her ths ruri resin kit from a store i know of(80$, but it's really nice). i was gonna get reservations at orange hill(for those that don't know what this is i'll go into detail. In anaheim/orange there is a bunch of hills. the farthest one on the east has a retaurant on it called orange hill. the food isn't that good but it has a phenomenol view. It's simply breath taking. one side is the city, the beautiful lights of anaheim and disneyland in the view. the angled rows of shops and buildings all twinkling. the otherside, a field. a calm pasture. just so soothing. Above us, a nice clear view of the stars. a magnificent sight... something i used to love as a kid). it's not really fun, but more touching/romantic. who i am, isn't an outgoing fun guy, i'm a romantic. i wanted to do that because, cici and i had 2 conversations about stars. one was on the phone, when we started getting to know eachother... and we talked about how we loved the stars. i told her how i used to sit on my roof and watch them. she told me how she just loved to stare and lose her train of thought in them. the second was on the way to fanime. we just mentioned them a lil. she doesn't realize things like that... how many little things i remember. how she hated when jon fell asleep in the car when she drove, how she loves stuffed bears... hmm... something bran said to me earlier, after i mentioned something. i guess he's right. hahahhahahahaha.... but i won't get into it. you'll hear it from me if you have too(which means unless your alice or amie or kimi, you probably won't hear it).ah, well 8 hours till the pool party... i guess i'll go for now. still thinking, just watched 2nd to last ep. of to heart. made me recall some old memories and thoughts.

but the last two weeks i've had this stuck in my head... "I don't know much... but i know i love you, and that may be, all i need to know" emotion drives us. love makes us act... whether it be for ourselves or others. karma does things for what we do and don't do. think and what we avoid. it's so complex... i've started to change... i know sooner or later karma will return to me with goodness. whether or not it's in this life or not i don't know... but like me n' alice talked about, we've lived a lot of lives. i think i'm coming closer to finishing my line of lives. and finally reaching peace. /me hugs arisu-chan. you shouldn't worry too much...

2001-06-21T05:55:00.000-07:00

hmmm, it's about 5:20 and i'm awake at bran's house. heh orofski is off sleeping, bran's at his mom's... i'm here. yesterday... :sigh: cici's graduation. was supposed to do stuff, but here's what happened

i woke up like at 10:30, called eddie, got in shower. got out met up with eddie went to block to hang and wait for alice to meet up. alice never calls, my book got sold. i bought a new one, called "What is Karma?" great book, i'll put an excerpt from it later. it's so true, and it's what i've been saying for years. the book helped me realize a lot of shyt, but i'll get into that later. well i get home at around 3 and change, ride says he'll be there in about 5 min. trouble blah blah he gets there at 3:50. problem, i was supposed to get ticket from isaac at 4. ugh, well i get there and the lady at the gate lets me in when some lady gives me an extra ticket(0wnage) i see the people lining up andd i greet Ike(cici is on the other side of stadium, don't think she saw me) i watch the ceremony, thinking a lot of stuff. about myself, about the world... (stupid book). well we it finishes... i say congats to ike etc. then i go seek out cici. hug her, say congrats. first time i saw her hair... looked great. she had liek make up on for reals... she's as beautiful as always... i gave both cici and isaac cards. i wrote both of them without thinking... just what i felt at the time, what i thought i should write at the moment. isaac's was the entire blank page(keep in mind, i write hella small). cici's, heh took up the entire inside of the card and the back... heh... yeah i had a lot to say at the time i guess. well we can't find andy, after about 5 min i spot him. scream at him, him and cici share their moment. i look away. meet up with cici's parents. they haven't seen me for a good 3 weeks. heh, they said hi and stuff. was pretty kool. we goto the mall get shorts for cici and andy. then to dinner. then to ai. bran's now.

well the book. in it is explainations, of what karma is waht it does, why etc. it's so more than what people think. the things happen based on what we do. it's so much more. thoughts, actions, feelings, aggression, passiveness... etc. all affect ones karma. you'll understand more later. all this bad stuff that's been happening. do i deserve it? what if i do... not for my events now, but future events. what about my fucked up attitude to a lot of people. but then, my "rewards" for being a good person. i don't do things for rewards but karma right? well... who says i'll get them now... or in my life. i've found happiness.(which is what i wrote about). the book tells of how, your own thoughts can cause karma to move. my hatred towards the world, the pain etc... caused pain in turn for me... it makes sense, maybe if you read you'd understand more. heh... not helping is it? but i've now found happiness. within myself. being who i am. doing what i love... being someone with a heart... caring about others... giving all i can.seeing my friend and the girl i love together... what did i do... smile, support them. most people would go nutz. does that make me better? not really... but in turn someday something will happen to balance that. heh back to the balance again. the most important thing i read in this book was about chance. and luck. do they exist? no matter what house you go into, if bad luck occurs, it would be like that in any other house. due to your karmanic discipline. (i had such a bad outlook on relationships before hand). but after this event, you learn. if you learn and change those mistakes... if you were to rejoin that house... the luck of the dice will be different now... but it's up to you to find a way to rejoin the house. good excerpt... scared isaac. hahahahha. but anyways. i've realized a lot of stuff... but don't want to blog it, might piss some people off, might confuse others. alice amie, time to talk. -=) the world's getting brighter, it's not changing in my favor... but i'm opening my eyes and adjusting to the dark. things look brighter now. it'll just take a lil' ime before they adjust completely. and a lil' more time for a magic girls to accompany me with a lantern. life's changing... but only because i see it differently. now.

Expand the mind.. expand the world. do good, think good, try... that's the only way karma will return the favor.

CICI:have fun with the card... take it how you will... i'm sure you'll prolly get mad the first time you read it, but reread it... it's not what you think. the suns up now... ack. if you wanna talk i'm always here for you

Ike:whattup sir. take the advice i wrote on yours. it's good advice... i wish someone woulda told me that sometime to me. good friends forever? hardly... but for now i'll be there for you whenever i can.

everyone else:crack assembles his life... it's not complete(it never will be) but i'm near there. i myself is made. and i'm happy. now i just wait and help others build themselves... at which time they will join my mind and understand who and what i am. what i think. until then... crack is just a tool of the world. to help people expand... i'm off. I walk alone on winter nights... heh, i do, physically, but not mentally. ja ne.

2001-06-19T14:10:00.000-07:00

:::sigh::: the first day after the revelation. i spent the day with eddie who we met up with joe and arisu-chan. was fun just kicking back, talking about life... bringing old memories and new ones to come forward. it was fun.

today, i just talked to kat(maryanne's sis) seems her life hasn't been all to fun lately. eh... her b/f's cheating on her. she says she doesn't know what to do cuz she's in love with him. if she's really in love... she'll stick to it, and try to resolve, but leave if it doesn't happen and will hope he comes back. if not, she should leave the fucked cuz he's a loser anyways. i don't get why everyone feels they have to say i love you.

people need to learn that love isn't a joke, it's supposed to be eternal. love is about sacrifice... and satisfaction within that sacrifice. but at the same time it's a two way deal, the other is sacrificing for them... so it balances. pretty short one today isn't it. going through everyday just thinking and waiting for something to happen is hard. i want happiness...

2001-06-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

and the world turns around and all becomes visible.

it took fear and hatred for some of my family to realize something... my youngest older sister jenny. she finally realized who i am and what i am. instead of bitching at me... for 16 years... she sat next to me and cried. she held me... and realized what this was all about. she told me she was sorry for not being there, and everything. the same with my brother... and my dad... i still need to get out of this house, but atleast now i know i have time. after all this i realized quite a lot... but let's go back to what happened.

we all know about the getting kicked out and going to SD tourney. well Lil' B hurt his back there and all this shyt happened. so i grab lil'b 's hand. and told him to squeeze if it hurt or he needed me. i tried to clear everything up and get shyt straightened. a lot happened and to cut it short he went to the hospital(i don't think he shouldn've). well cops came, to check things out and see what was happening. they took me away cuz i'm not 18 and my dad didn't know where i was and said he'd pick me up. sat at the station for 3 hours listening to Ayu. well after they picked me up and went home i crashed. well the next morning i woke up to getting the crap beat outta me by my older sister. yeah i could take her easily... but why bother, i don't give a damn. so after that i spent the next 7 hours in my room thinking. just pondering everything about life. father's day so family goes to dinner. get back and i sit in the patio for a while listening to ayu. my sister jenny comes and we talk. then my brother and his g/f. then my dad.

it takes a lot to realize things. i knew my family loved me, because they're family. i just didn't realize that they cared(being neglected for 12 years by all but my brother who has his own life to bother with me). and they realized that they've been ignoring me for most of my life. my dad realized i'm not a moron. that i'm just different. that i know what i'm doing though. i know i'm not strong enough to change the world and make everyone happy. i know i need to help myself... but that doesn't change that i'm going to be there for everyone when they need me.

cici and andy... i'm so glad you guys are both talking to me again. it means a lot. with this, i realized i was being like my dad, with one difference. i know you guys aren't going to really listen to me, so i'm not gonna try to force you. prove me wrong... be happy... be sucessful. yeeah i'm jealous as fuck of you andy... being with the most amazing girl in the world... hahha, but we're kool... and you know that. -=)

we're constantly growing up. igrew up a lot today. bran... looks like my puzzle is getting more complete isn't it? i'm still not happy... but i don't hate the world anymore.

isaac:hopefully something will turn for the better for you too soon.

2001-06-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

ok i wrote literally a three page blog last night on matt's DC. then the thing wouldn't let me post it... grrrr... pissed was i. uh well, time to start up again.

k' a lot's been happening... everywhere. who am i in this world. we've accomplished all of that. the recent events that took place... my own doings... were they right? i read cici's blog last night at bran's house. i had to read threw it twice because i wanted to make sure about it. i screwed up... they're right, i have no right to say what they are or are not feeling, because i can't get into their hearts. but i can say they're both too "immature" to realize what they're doing. don't take it the wrong way, it's not meant to be an insult. I'm glad she realizes i'm just trying to help. i know i shouldn't have gotten involved cuz it's not my lives. but i had to tell them how i felt, knowing it'd risk what was there. because, no one else was willing to risk it. The thing about assuming, it's not purely assuming. it's seeing something happen you don't want to happen. a repeating of history you might say. cici is doing the exact same thing that happened with me(except with the 2 months of me getting to know her and closer to her before she finally said yes). She's rushing into this, ithink andy means hella more to her than i ever did(just by seeing her this happy... this into the relationship), so i think that's messing with her better judgement. people said the same thing to me when i was "pursuing" her. i'm rushing into this... etc. she told me that. they were all right. this time she doesn't see it. she's just repeating our relationship over again. Andy... heh well, andy anyone who's known him for a while, kjnows about joanne. most people don't know what really happened though. i'm afraid that's going to repeat. it's happening just all to similarly. i don't want him hurt like that. andy is a very complicated guy. in short... he doesn't know what he is. he hates himself and is insecure. (and anyone who says different, REALLY doesn't know him). a wonderful girl likes him, it's messing with his judgement. i really do hope for the best, and that's why i said my part. i'm sorry, because i know you didn't want to hear it. i'm really sorry. but that's all i could do. now i'll just stay out of it, and stand along with alice and amie, and everyone else that still cares. and watch. and smile as this goes along, hopefully for a while. if not, then i'll still be there to pick you two up off the ground if you're hurt. i won't go as far as saying i love andy(as a friend of course). but i will say it's close to there. i'm sure you read my definition of love... i stand by all of that. and that's how i feel about both of you. take care, know that i'm sorry, know that i care.

i've been talking to a lot of girls lately to try and further myself and learn more. i asked a good number(liek 6) girls about what they see in me. like i said before. but i wanted to write what amie said(not quote just a brief thing)

you're a great guy... that is such a great boyfriend... but you have to learn to filter your love. otherwise you're holding on to nothing. it's like you have a 100$. instead of spending all of it on her... spend 90$ and save 10. now if something goes wrong, you still have that 10$ just in case. the same with emotion. if you give her all you can then, what do you give when something goes wrong. you can't give more than 100%. learn to filter your love and you'll be the most wonderful guy in the world.

i didn't learn about this until it was too late, after she left me. :::sigh::: i understand it though. so next time... whoever it may be, i'll know.

there's so much more i wanted to write but we're leaving now. but i have to do 2 quick paragrpahs.

Isaac:hopefully thing are turning out better for you. we all experience hard times. some worst than others, some compare nothing to others. i'm having my own episode in life. if i can hold on then you can hold on. we're work at it together sir. just know i'm here for you.

cici:once more i'll apologize for what i said. please accept it.

isaac and me have been talking a lot, and he agrees with me to a point(that he'll let me know). he's worried about her as well. he doesn't want this getting to out of hand, and her getting hurt again. the worst pain in the world is to see someone you love get hurt... not something that happens to yourself.

2001-06-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA... LIKE I SAID, THE NIGHTS STILL YOUNG AND I'LL PROLLY BLOG AGAIN... well maybe i would have had i not got thrown out of the house again. so this is probably the last time in a while i'll update. my one day or relaxing and not giving a fuck about anything ends with me getting pretty much thrown out? isn't that fucking lovely. i've been restless these last couple days, hell the last two weeks. fucking insomnia for reals. constantly thinking about everything. my love, my friendship, my ideals, my life. everything. so instead of thinking, oh i'll leave him alone cuz he's got shyt going through his mind, no i'll fucking go and yell at him at 3 a.m. cause he's got shyt on his mind. i'll yell at him and fucking tell him all this shyt, and fucking everything. ugh... i've tried so fucking hard to do things for others, barely pulling through with my own life. because i think as long as i'm decently alright, i can do something for someone else. is that commendable or just stupid? well fuck, it's gotta be stupid cuz my dad says so. ha fuck him. my life is my own, they think i'm throwing it away by helping people? well fuck them. i like helping people. i like seeing others happy. everything's just fucking me over right now. no matter how hard i try. so why don't i just say fuck everything... give up. because i can't. if it were that easy then everyone would be happy or dead. i'm running on 3 hours of sleep and i'm confused as hell right now. i'm a good person... so why is my life going to hell? when others are complete stupid asses, immature little children, and they have it so well off. maybe because life knows i can pull through this situation and if it were someone else they'd just curl up and die. well fuck life, it's still not fair but what the hell am i going to do about it... i usually don't talk about family problems or school problems on this blog(if you read through you might notice). but that's because they're my own problems and thoughts. this time it went to far... GGPO don't be suprised if i don't show up in a while(unless i'm at someone else's house)

FUCK LIFE AND ALL THE SHYT THAT COMES WITH IT...

2001-06-13T23:37:00.000-07:00

the night is young, so i might blog again later. today's gone pretty well so far. i didn't think about anything really... just went to the block with alice bran and matt. had fun, went loose and tried not to think of everything. i had fun. watched swordfish(pretty good movie...) kicked back had some fun. we went to boarders before we went home and looked at books. i picked up a book called "Three Magic Words". it's a book about life love and one's inner self. dealing with everything from fear hate and vanity to care love and emotion. i read a lil' section about love... a lil' section about fear and a lil' section about maturity/immaturity. as i read it, it sounded a lot like my blog, a lot like my theory of love, a lot like my friends. i'm buying the book later to read about it. so much thought and worry going on through me right now.

i talked to "TeamDrag"... he's doep we talked about everything. it's been agreed that i try to hard for others sakes. i give all i can for others. and even though i'm right, they don't listen because it goes against them. are they stubborn? in a way. they just think they know better. and as much as i don't want to say it... most of the people around me are immature(not in terms of action, but in terms of life). i don't fully understand life, but those around me know less than i do. i've thought about giving up. a few people think i should... say fuck everyone else and live life for me. in a few years they'll fuck themselves over and realize what i am. then i'll come back. but i don't think i can.

been talking to a few girls... joanna alice maryanne joanne fiona.

what am i as a guy?

they all gave me the same answer. i'm incredibly sweet. i'm hardworking. i'm trying my best. i'm caring, i'm loving. and i know how to treat a girl better than most guys in general. but i'm too caring... i'm too loving. and it scares some girls.

and i talked to someone about this. and what they said was that. the reason it scares them, is because they don't understand love... they don't realize what it is and that you really care about them(this was in the book too).

hahah but maryanne always goes a step further to make me feel better. i was just online and she im's me randomly and this happens...
LadyLoveQT: *chuckles* FYI...you do get a lot more girls than other guys i know....just letting you know
PyronIkari: 2?
PyronIkari: heh
LadyLoveQT: ^_^ hey...we're pretty cute girls!
PyronIkari: for you it was luck
PyronIkari: for her i worked so hard
LadyLoveQT: But still!
PyronIkari: hahah
LadyLoveQT: hey c'mon now
PyronIkari: -=)
LadyLoveQT: LOL! a lot of guyz have never had dates and stuff!
LadyLoveQT: so there ^_^
PyronIkari: i know
LadyLoveQT: Yeah pimp
LadyLoveQT: so hah!
LadyLoveQT: LOL!
PyronIkari: hahha
PyronIkari: it's just hard knowing that everyone thinks i'm this great guy
LadyLoveQT: AND FYI...I think you're cuter than Andy...and like i know he's suppose to be attractive and stuff
PyronIkari: thanks
LadyLoveQT: but yeah ^_^ you're cute
LadyLoveQT: and you have this thing about you that makes people look
LadyLoveQT: LOL! just thought i should let you know ^_^
PyronIkari: that's means a lot to me
PyronIkari: hahaha you're still the only girl to really make me blush
LadyLoveQT: ^_^ Ah! still got it *chuckles*
LadyLoveQT: LOL!
LadyLoveQT: But yeah....you have had other girls
LadyLoveQT: LOok LOL! you got Cici and me...and you'relike best friends with Chibi Sparkle....all hot chicks ya know?!
PyronIkari: you guys wouldn't have to look amazing as you are
PyronIkari: i just want someone that loves me
PyronIkari: -=)
PyronIkari: but thanks a lot
LadyLoveQT: And you're even close with Alice and stuff....you're closer to more females than other guyz dream off!
PyronIkari: HAHHAHA
LadyLoveQT: LOL! SoOOoOoOO THERE!
LadyLoveQT: LOL!
LadyLoveQT: If i was a guy I'd be jealous of yoU!
PyronIkari: -=)
LadyLoveQT: ^_^ so there you have it in a nut shell
LadyLoveQT: you do have some luck with girls and stuff
LadyLoveQT: LOL! to begin with...you get em!
PyronIkari: hahahhaha
LadyLoveQT: Other guyz only dream
PyronIkari: damn you know how to make a guy feel special don't you?
LadyLoveQT: LOL! ^_^ just tellin you the truth
LadyLoveQT: YES ladies and gentlemen! Crack gets women you only dream off! LOL!
LadyLoveQT: so in the end...there is no real lost is there?...just waiting and temperance

that's the hard part... waiting. waiting for what? i'm capable of love already, why isn't anyone else? hmmm, sometimes i wish i didn't grow up to fast... but maybe i have it backwards. what if i'm the same as everyone else... thinking i know so much when i don't know anything. /me sighs... i know what i know... but what is it that i really know?

2001-06-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

so the everlasting pain continue. andy and cici are moving to fast... there is so much that they don't see. and i'm sorry i talked to you both, because i know you don't want to hear it. God damn it... everyone was telling me thatthey have to make their own mistakes, they have to do this, they'll probably end up hurt, and maybe they'll learn. I'M SORRY, I'M SO SORRY BUT I CAN'T STAND BY AND WATCH. I care about them both too much. i'm so sorry... i'm talking to isaac right now... he said i spoke my mind, i did all i could. now i have to let go. and he's right, i know he is, but this is still hard. I want you both to be happy. slow down, though... if you rush this it won't bring happiness... just a quick thrilll... like with me. just a temporary happiness. learn from my pain.

damn this has been an interesting two days. so much happened. i've been talking to alice. she's having her own problems. and she feels so alone. everyone is abndoning her. but i'll stay by her side. cuz she needs someone. and she's a good friend. i'll stand by her and help her throught this.

joanna:she's the most realistic voice. telling me to just let them be. to wait and to be myself. they'll learn. that i'm a great person... it's just girls around my age don't know any better... they don't know what they want... they don't know what's good or right. and in a couple of years, i'll meet a girl who actually knows what she wants. i'd like to... but i can't.

Maryanne... my ex-gf. she's been there talking to me. making me feel better. making me realize more and more about myself. the only girl to seriously make me blush. she's such a good friend.

Fiona:i barely know her, but she always seems to make me feel better talking about random things. telling me the truth, making me think... she wants me to be happy, but i can't.

Bran:my older male influence. he talks to me as an equal, not as a kid. we're about 6 years apart... but he talks to me liek i'm older than him. because he knows that's what i need. and he listens and tells me what is realistic. what is now and real.

isaac:the peer who keeps me up. the guy who talks to me as a friend.

a lot more, but i can't think right now. i try my best to be a good friend, a loyal comrade... a supporter. the idea of living past lives and returning for those reasons. alice believes i've lived more lives then all the people in our little group. and that's why i know so much. in her own life i was a guidance in one of her lives, or maybe a couple. craig and amie were talking and i came up. amie told me that they agreed that i'm the most loyal and caring friend they've ever seen. but i still feel so empty. because some of the closest people don't agree, or don't want to believe it. would it be better to disappear from everyone's life.

back to being a balance. i know i'm doing good. and even if they don't appreciate it, or think of it, or even hate me. i'm just trying my best to make them happy. Crucify my love? yeah i'll sacrifice everything i can to see everyone else happy. and i'd do anything to prove to them that. i jumped on a car. next time i'll stand in front in one if i have to. i'll close my eyes and look up. and smile. if i live... then maybe they'll understand. if i don't... i tried, i tried my best... and that's all i could do. as i sit here wondering time slowly passes and my eyes fill up with tears. and i wonder what all of this is for. and i now realize... it's because... i have a heart so all i can do is smile while my eyes flood. and hold my hand out when they fall. and stand there as they say thanks, or stand there as they spit on my gratitude. and go again. and reach out once more if they fall. pain is every where.

life goes on... there are no such things as real friends... but there is such a thing as people that care.

2001-06-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

on eof those days where everything collides in your mind and don't know what's going on or anything. so many thoughts i have. i can't say anything though... it'll cause more tension. that's not what i want. i have to quietly sit and watch everything go bye.

cici finally posted her blog address... as i read it two major things came to me. first one was about our relationship. all of the pain she caused me... everything i went through... yeah, it was worth it. because i fell in love. and i'll hold that love forever. not something i would like to experience again... but i would if i had to for her. the second thing i noted was what's bothering me. you guys are moving to quickly. i don't want you guys to end up hurt... i don't want andy back in the position he was in before... i don't want cici confused and in pain again. i worked hard to bring you both back into a state of life... where you weren't mentally fucked up. i didn't do that well but i tried. and you've both finally achieved it. PLEASE BE CAREFUL! there's only so much people can do though...

i can't honestly say i'm extremely happy for them though. Yes i'm glad they're happy and i'm cheering for them... but there still is that lil' dark pit in me that want's her back. but i'm not gonna let it get to me. i'm a friend above all us...

cici, remember how much you told me how you would crucify your love... you've done your part... but rethink everything... slow down... fall in love before you say you love.

it's my turn to crucify my love for you and the world. and it's not coming down unless you get it.

double sided post now isn't this? i stand by my views and i wait. the time has come and all i can do is fight the war.

2001-06-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

life is disturbing to say the least... i wrote this huge thing but realized that it would confuse most people... and cause more problems. i saved it but i'm not gonna post it. but i will leave with a little part of it... something that will bring back memories for some...

i crucify my love...

2001-06-10T04:41:00.000-07:00

they'll show up when chris uploads them... har har har, anyways...

i'm up at 4:34 a.m. because tonight was an important night. saturday the 9th was cici's prom. ha, if you know anything i didn't go. -=) but it's ok. prom was supposed to be a big deal to me, and it still sorta was. but seeing that i couldn't go i took it into my own hands. as i sat in chris' car scared out of my mind, in my nice mandarin-ish collared tux, i waited for 20 min(i planned all of this). chris cici and kimi were walking towards the car when i turned on the stereo and opened the door. To Be Acoustic mix. chris and kimi walked back to AI and cici had this look on her face like "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S DOING THIS!"(in a good way). i shared my dance with her. we talked a lil'. it was nice. little did kimi know that i planned to dance with her too. heh... we danced she started crying cuz of the song playing(this i promise you). heh we talked and joked a lil'. it was great.

1. disappointment, cici and andy left before i got back with kimi. i wanted to see andy. i wanted to play tokyo wars with cici. she promised me too -=(. i didn't even say good bye. uh well... it's ok. i accomplished what i wanted. everything is whole once more. everything is settled and understood. so it's ok.

as for you isaac, i need to kick your ass... but it's kool. i'll see you next week then? problem...

SLINKY race=AI stairs don't work, they're too big -=(... we gotta find alternate place.

in different news, i'm glad you had such a great time isaac... we'll talk tommorow i'm sure. i'm getting tired for real. i didn't sleep much... it's hard when you had all this stuff in your mind. (cici if andy doesn't read this, cuz i'm not sure if he does... tell him he shouldn't feel jealous, who knows who i am... and how i am... he'll understand that. -=) welpz i'm off to teh sleepx0rs now, i'll continue tommorow night. Oyasumi... i deserve this sleep.

2001-06-09T03:52:00.000-07:00

ah today was a very interesting day. i woke up after liek 2 hours of sleep and went online... took my shower etc. chris picked me up at 12:40 and we got to the Puente hills mall at 1 or so. i walked around thinknig for 4 and a half hours got to AI at 5:30(chris dropped me off at the mall). the entire time thinking about two things. 1. was L'arc en ciel's us release album and me trying to find it.
2. Andy, and how to fix this dilemma. sure time would work, but i wanted to rush it.

i came to the conclusion that if i can get him to talk about me in an unserious manner then join through there i could get him to talk to me. in so we can smooth things out. the chance came at dinner around 10:30. we goto garden cafe and matt(who andy is inhis car drive by). i run and jump on the back and tap the glass and i'm all. y0, whattup. so andy goes "oh shyt mikey's on the back of the car". well they turned left i was expecting right so i lost my grip, i jumped off and was gonna roll but i landed on my side(my arm is all bloody, both of them and i have a bump on my side). but in doing so i did two things, joked around, and showed andy i'd be willing to fuck around this much to hang out with him. it worked... we started talking and everything is better now(FOR... THE OLD GRAY MARE SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE... HAHAHHAHA).

where i stand now.

yes i love cici... more than anything in the world. which is why i'm smiling now. she's more happy now then i've ever seen. watching her tonight just made me feel so good. she's so happy. andy's my good friend, he deserves happiness... for he's a good person.

my worries in all this though are... both have their flaws. and neither of them really understand them for their part nor the others. i'm hoping for the best though. i don't want either one to get hurt.

so here i am bleeding at 4 a.m. waiting for the day to past to return to AI. today is cici's prom. i hope she has the time of her life. i hope isaac shows that bitch ass up. hahha... GO ISAAC!!! w00t w00t. afterwards, racing slinkies at AI=domination. thank you...

the outcome of what will be is interesting... fate likes to fuck with us... my job as a balance is to make fate's joke easier on everyone else... So... i continue on....

Ja ne, i'm off...

2001-06-08T05:02:00.000-07:00

heh, as my last post pointed out so indirectly but obviously, i'm feeling a lot better. i'd liek to share a story with you before i start with this post...

in 10th grade World History we had a teacher named Mr. Banks. great teacher. one day he asked all of the students in order "how do you think you would die". i'd like you to think about it real quick before you read on. i sat in the very back corner of the row(cuz i was the trouble making joker and he put me back there so i'd be farther from him). and everyone gave their answers. "old age" "sickness" "car accident" "war" the same common answers you would expect to hear. when he got to me i first joked about it "CO- LEST- ER- OL!" hahahhaha and he laughed a lil'. then he said alright micheal, seriously, how do you think you're gonna die? and i said "i'm going to die for someone else. to give someone else hope, happiness, life." and he looked and me and said, "why did you give that answer?". before i could answer someone in my class said "that's because michael's that kind of person. to give up everything for someone he cared about" the person that said this was Caroline... my first love... my imouto. i'm sure she won't remember it though.

what this pertains to is my theory of the balance. us as balances are fated to be unhappy. but what i forgot to mention in that is there is an end to the balance cycle:

a balance is a balance until another person accepts the balance and does something. unlike other times, this person will not balance him/her our, but instead lift the load off of their back. and together they will no longer be a balance, but instead neutral. at times being a balance... at times being greedy and happy.

i was talking to amie about all of this. and she, like me is a balance too. she along with others are what helped me out of my slump. they balanced me out. but she's alike in more than that. what happened was i asked her how she thought she was going to die... and she said the exact thing i said(note before i told her what i said). amie has always been my balance to help me when my load was over my head. and she's starting to be happy. she's found someone willing to take the load off her back... well she hopes anyways. i wish the best for her... she deserves to lose her load and enjoy some happiness.

it's 5 o'clock and i can't sleep. i have something on my mind. nothing seriously dire... but something i'm worried about. heh, good things i know people that are good at this kind of thing... cuz hell everyone knows i'm not. i just hope everything is ok.

the other thing on my mind is Isaac, cici's friend. he's a good guy with a lot of problems(like me). he tries too hard for others as well. but life of a balance right?to take pain for others' happiness. heh... he understands it too, but sometimes he wishes it weren't so. at times i do as well... but what can i do? become an anti-balance? ha i'd sooner die.

if you understood all of this post i'm glad. i'm using my own terminology now to describe everything. it works so much better. life continues and i wander around helping. waiting for one day to be removed from this cursed position and enjoy happiness. i hope she comes back and takes the load off of my back... but at the same time i hope she is happy. hmm... a little time is all we need and a little love is all we want. in some ways i need her, but in others i don't. in the end, it doesn't matter, it's all based on her happiness... and if not, i'll be here to balance her out.

2001-06-07T00:54:00.000-07:00

ah and so passes the day that would have been are one month. last post was my trying to make sense of everything post. this is my more intellectual contained post.

i had a nice talk with natalie today... she's sorta like me in a sense. how we like to explain and help people when we have no experience in general... just common knowledge. and she told me a lot. and i've been watching escaflowne again(this time i actually have one with subtitles to understand it). and they both made me think about one thing. there was a line from escaflowne and there was something natalie told me.

if i look down upon myself, how do i expect to reach my dream. and after really thinking about it, i realized, i do look down upon myself. before i just thought i was speaking in reality. it's like, so what i'f i'm not good looking, or don't have money. i'm a nice guy... why should i be unhappy.

i was talking to isaac earlier and we talked about our placement in the world. we are balances. how so? ok, people with morals get screwed over more than say, you're fucked up playboy guy with the rich parents. now why? we do good things, blah blah, wouldn't you say we deserve happiness more? in the end we don't. happiness is deserved by all equally no matter what. you can't EARN happiness, just like you can't EARN knowledge. you can work for them, but not earn them. now the balance part comes from this. people like that get screwed over a lot... and for what? why would we do this if it screwed us over. deep down we understand that, although we get screwed over... someone is happy because of us getting hurt. since this is the most obvious i will use it. i got hurt... seriously. but why do i just smile and continue? because cici's happy, and so is andy. the girl i love and my friend are both happy. so i'm a little hurt, who cares... seeing andy happy after all this time is just great. cici happy is just wonderful.

no back to my dreams. and seeking them. escaflowne and natalie told me of how if i look down then my dreams will pass me by. so i won't look down anymore. i'm me, and i'm glad i am. i'm not above or below anyone else. and that's what matters that i'm here.

my dream... even though i'd love to get back together with cici... it's just that, a dream right? if it does or does not happen i'm still here. what matters most is that my friends are happy, and that i'm not a total mess. i think i'm ok now. -=)

saturday, hahha slinky racing down the AI stairs will=domination

2001-06-06T03:22:00.000-07:00

heh, she finally posted on her blog with isaac. it seems everything that happened WAS ALL MY FAULT... apparently. well here's the story of what happened. i was being closer to her. i was near her more or holding on to her more. now the question is, why would i do this if i tried so hard to not do this earlier? Jealousy. Jealousy sucks dick doesn't it? i explained why i was jealous of andy in this situation... so that explains my actions. she said a lot of stuff that hurt... that really hurt me right now. but i don't know anymore. it's like why do i put myself through all this pain? why don't i give up and everything? why don't i just say fuck it all. and it goes back to loyalty, friendship, and love. Andy feels uneasy being around me, he won't talk to me, anything. why? if he felt bad about all this, why'd he agree to be with her? i've accepted it, and i was the one that got hurt. not him. why doesn't he accept it? he's still my friend. i'm not gonna throw away a good friendship because of a girl. no matter how much i love her. i wouldn't throw away a good friendship for almost anything. With her... why does she hide so much? why does she act 2 different ways. God i love her so much. but when she told me she loved me, and whenever i'd ask if everything was ok she'd say yeah. so i assumed everything was. a lot goes through my mind and i try my best to keep everything in check. if she says it's fine, it's fine right? i guess not though. otherwise i wouldn't be where i am now.

This goes off into my own thoughts and it's not meant to attack anyone or mean anything... just random thoughts that i don't believe but it came across in my mind a few times... why not write about it...-

-This all happened to conviniently. We were doing so great. God from "I love you and i hope this lasts forever" to the next day"I don't know what's going on anymore". what happened in those two days??? we were fine until andy started getting into the picture. here's the thoughts i've had(that i hope to God aren't true but i'm scared of them myself). Cici always liked andy, was attracted to him or something. didn't know how to approach him(/me is reminded of a convo we once had. "mikey, you are so close to everyone at AI, Amie, Andy, Alice etc. I just feel outta place, like i can't talk to them). And within those times, she started growing feelings for me. But now that andy is being all friendly, hell she has a chance with him now... Fuck mikey. and it all conviniently came together. just a theory, and a bad one at that. but thinking a lot lately brings a lot of weird ideas into your head. that's one, next time i'll give you another.

hmmm... time to talk randomly now. I've been watching a lot of To Heart. It's scary how much like Hiroyuki Andy is. I mean, The good looking popular guy with the attitude of fuck life right? now throw in that he's super friendly and helps out every girl in need. now throw in how every single girl starts having feelings for him. Hiroyuki=Andy... I made my comparisons too. I am the nerdy chick, class rep and all(hitomi or some shyt i can't rem.). How i run my life... i never fit in, i take responsibility for what i do and i'm realistic. i give up everything for everyone else... and i just take the shyt everyone gives me knowing they don't mean to hurt me seriously. Ah, Kimi=Shiho. well except the annoying part. She's the knowledge network, that knows everything about everyone. the girl that tries to help out her close friends and always joking. the genki girl for reals. -=). Cici is well... the girl with psychic powers. she's so afraid of hurting everyone so she closes her self up. her mind her thoughts. IN THAT ASPECT ONLY. she's also like multi... he doesn't know what she wants and experiencing everything at once. confusion about life. i could do more comparisons etc... but hey i'll do one more

I AM JUNTA... the loser one. cept i don't throw up. it goes to that exactly... I AM A FUCKING LOSER. thank you the end.

2001-06-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

i thought i'd do saturday's events now... bare with me, it's not only depressing but chock full o' stupidity too. yay pain is not fun, but it's something to go through.

saturday:i'm going to be specific with what happened so you know my exact feelings at each point of this story. I woke up at like 1:30 at bran's house. Chris(Bodo) goes to take a shower and me bran and orochi are laying on the ground. orochi's playing zelda for his g/b and i play for a while. about an hour later bodo comes out of the shower. we joke with him a bit and orochi and bran go take showers(in different showers of course). orochi gets out i take a shower. Today it's planned to go out to Mitsuwa in Little Tokyo then to AI afterwards. Well orochi and bodo goto AI and me and bran have lunch at his house. we leave to his mom's house to pick up a razor for orochi. we're talking the entire time about everything. we reach mitsuwa and find Mike's there. mike gives me the tare panda bag i ordered for cici that he picked up for me. we look at cd's a bit and decide to goto Japan Arcade. i'm playing KOF and bran walks over and tells me the manager just yelled at mike. i laughed. then i play again and the manager starts rambling. jhoiwjoijowijfoewia token oijaoewijef acay infnt oiajwoieja pay ojawoie. we laughed then left. we met up with jon while in there and then see kimi chris leah and rene. we go back to the music shop and everyone's looking around. we go out and go to mitsuwa. mike busts out with the wtermelon and chicken jokes. i get a box of giant strawberry pocky for cici. i promised her i'd get her a box a long time ago. i finally did(if you don't know by now, i keep my all promises, within my ability). we go eat a sunch(supper lunch) and then i go with mike... oh shyt i forgot the bag in the restaurant, i run back and get it. on the way out we were like 10 min pass the hour so we have to pay 3.50 we didn't have any cash on us so mike has to run back and get money. we get to ai and i just sit at the balcony waiting for people.go inside occasioanally see what's going on. matt and claudia show up. she sees me, the entire day i was keeping my head up and trying to smile... and i was ok. the first thing she says to me is "what's wrong?" it made me feel weird. she barely knew me and knew something was wrong? i say it's alright just some over thinking. we mess around and i sit on the balcony some more. they leave and mike leaves. i wait a bit and cici and andy show up. andy just walks in and doesn't say anything. cici comes up to me and i give her the bag and pocky. she hugs me. she's all oush giant pocky. and says since she's hungry she eats one. she's all owww i want to use the bag now. i just smile. seeing her happy is so great. her hair was down (well most of it). God, she looked so beautiful. she goes in and stands next to andy, who then put his arm around her. this hurt. i held it in, i was ok. well we go in time passes i'm just lounging around waiting for kimi chris etc. to show up. when they do everyone does their happiness joy thingy. i'm standing with kimi talking when andy says something to cici. cici tells hi-chan "we're going to Life Plaza for a bit". andy asks kimi if she wants anything. she says no and he goes, are you sure? alright and leaves. didn't even look at me. he puts his arm around her and walks out. God i tried so hard but i couldn't hold it and started crying. it was only a lil' kimi made me stop. we decide we're going to dinner and after about 30 min we get orochi to shave then head to dinner. at dinner for some reasons two things kept going through my head. the first was a talk me and andy had a long time ago. this talk was about trust and friendship. how we said we'd always be there for eachother when it had to deal with relationships, and we'd look out for eachother's backs. the other thing was, the talk me n' cici had when we broke up. how she told me she wasn't sure what she was feeling... how she wasn't ready for a b/f. and i asked about andy then... and she said "it's not like we're gonna get together right away or anything, i need time to think". i tried to be strong and i was. i looked over, and they were holding hands... i bit my lip as hard as i could and i sang along to TO BE(which i was listening to). bran saw what was happening... he helpd my shoulder and talked to me a lil'... it couldn't be helped... i started crying... i went to the bathroom and played it off though. in the parking lot as they were walking away i couldn't hide it. on the way back to ai i cried and when we got there kimi stayed with me a lil. i cried and thought about everything i was thinking about at dinner. this is so hard. i held it in and wnet out. i just sat there as things were happening and i just let time pass. when andy walks out and cici came following, hugging chris and rene, then kimi. she sees me in the corner of her eye and hugs me. I miss her so much. i wanted to hold her forever. i wanted to kiss her. we let go and she said bye and left, i squeeked it out. and i got up to find kimi. as andy and cici were leaving they were holding hands and she was just strolling around like we used to. just having the time of her life. i went inside and kimi sat next to me. i cut my lip this time, but it didn't help. kimi talked to bodo to take me home after we talked for a bit. i got home and couldn't sleep. i posted the previous blog and got to sleep finally after a lil' talking. and here i am now.

i'm just repeating myself, but i really love her. and this is aso hard. i know that her happiness is more important, and that i need to be able to do this. but it hurts so much, because i want to be part of that happiness. i'll stand and wait though. i'll wait until she tells me that she doesn't want me around. then that day i will leave. i will love her still.

2001-06-03T04:10:00.000-07:00

it's now june 3rd. we broke up on tuesday. 3:55 am and i can't sleep. the last two days i went to AI to hang out/talk to kimi about all this. orochi came down and so did rene and bodo. and a lot happened

Thursday:i got to AI right after adult school(7). well i sat there by the balcony and just stared off into the way waiting for someone or thing to happen. Chris came and said hi and that Kimi was coming later. as i sat there i just thought about everything that was happening. specifically what she told me when we broke up"i'm so confused, i guess i'm really not ready to have a boyfriend". this as well as what was going on with andy. and i really didn't know anything... i couldn't think. i started crying and chris came and put his hand on my shoulder. this sorta made me feel better but i was so hurt. i was crying uncontrollably that i didn't know what was going on. i opened my eyes slightly and saw 2 people coming to the stairs. it was chinx0r and chibi. she came and held me as i cried. my imouto... she came there for me. as i was crying into her kimi arrived and sat next to me. she held me as i cried on her shoulder... and she took the necklace i had in my hand(the necklace was a ring that cici gave me, co-incidentally the only thing she gave me cept for a figuirine that she had to take back and didn't give back to me after she got it back from art teacher). i cried for a while and kimi talked to me. she got me to control my crying and to mantain everything. i was feeling ok for the most part. me her and chris went to dinner and they took me home. i was feeling better but still hurt a lot.

Friday:i get to AI when chibi and chinxor take me as a favor to me. when i get there i decide to take a place at the balcony to think a little. i listen to To Be and i'm singing along. about 20 min later Kimmie shows up(andy's sis) she asks what's wrong cuz i'm not my genki-self. we goto ten ren and talk for what only seemed like 40 min but turned out to be 2 hours. she taught me a lot. about being strong and being able to control myself. we talked about happiness and relationships... heartbreak and love. And i told her how i felt and what was going on. and she said that she was proud of me... that i'm strong enough to let go.(or atleast realize that i have to anyways). she told me how proud she was of me when i said that, i loved cici so much, like seriously love her. but if she doesn't want to be with me, then i can't force her to be, but i will be here for her when ever she needs me. that i will always hold cici to my heart and support her, and help her whenever she needs me. the other reason she said she was proud of me was my loyalty. that even though i was hurt and everything... i still hold my friendship with andy so dear. he is my friend, and i don't want that to change. after the talk i head back to AI and kimi and chris are already there. i help my head up and smiled. i felt ok. time passed and cici and andy arrived together. at first i was worried... but i swallowed and it was ok and went down. i hugged cici after kimi told us to and we talked a lil' things seemed ok between us. everyone went out to dinner and we came back to AI. i talked to andy when we did. i told him how i felt... that i was sorry, but this doesn't change anything about him or how i feel. i'm still his friend and will be there to help him when he needs it. i went to bran's house that night to sleep.

sat. this day was hard to say the least... but it's for a different time. i finally feel sleepy, hopefully i'll get some rest, i want to talk to kimi tommorow. she's helping me through this... and she said she was happy i'm doing so well.

side note: although i love her more than anything in the world, and i want her back... i miss her so much... despite all this, her happiness is what's important. and for now i think she's happy... that in itself is worth all the pain i had.

2001-05-31T01:35:00.000-07:00

i'm pathetic. i don't know what's going on anymore... i'm not going to prom with her i think. i was so looking forward to it too. i've only been to one dance, her sadie's. it was so fun. i wanted to goto a formal dance atleast once... i guess it's not happening. i talked to andy today, things went like shyt... here i'll post it... joy,
CrackPr0n-Death-> first off i'm sorry for bitching at you on sunday
CrackPr0n-Death-> sign on aim
KidZero> not gonna use AIM for a while
CrackPr0n-Death-> k'
CrackPr0n-Death-> i'm sorry for bitching at you
CrackPr0n-Death-> i was pissed and depressed as fuck(i still am)
CrackPr0n-Death-> i still don't get you though
KidZero> what don't you get?
CrackPr0n-Death-> ... why you were acting the way you were
CrackPr0n-Death-> i mean yeah you guys are friends and all...
CrackPr0n-Death-> but do you have to be that friendly?
CrackPr0n-Death-> like when i came over to her house last wednesday i think
CrackPr0n-Death-> for 30 min i just sat there while you guys messaged each other
CrackPr0n-Death-> on the way to mitsuwa
CrackPr0n-Death-> at mitsuwa
CrackPr0n-Death-> on the way home
CrackPr0n-Death-> back at home
KidZero> dude, that's me
KidZero> I'm friendly
CrackPr0n-Death-> but come on
CrackPr0n-Death-> you said it to ericcson
CrackPr0n-Death-> i know you're not hitting on her or anything but back off a little
CrackPr0n-Death-> ...
CrackPr0n-Death-> i woulda thought you would go, ok, well she's with mikey now i'll leave them alone now
CrackPr0n-Death-> or something
KidZero> wait, I said that to him, or you telling that to me?
CrackPr0n-Death-> i'm wondering that
CrackPr0n-Death-> like why didn't you think that
CrackPr0n-Death-> between you and wes... it feels i'm never alone with her
CrackPr0n-Death-> which is why i was the way i was at ai
CrackPr0n-Death-> and other places
CrackPr0n-Death-> i never feel i'm alone with her
KidZero> dude, you need to give her space
CrackPr0n-Death-> i know that now
CrackPr0n-Death-> but before
CrackPr0n-Death-> that still doesn't explain shyt
CrackPr0n-Death-> you're friendly, yeah i know... but you think you could not msg her for the entire time i'm with her
KidZero> when the heck am I supposed to know when or when your not w/ her?
CrackPr0n-Death-> she told you i was there
KidZero> when? where you guys were @ Mitsuwa?
CrackPr0n-Death-> the day we went to get her corsage
CrackPr0n-Death-> i got there(i think wednesday)
CrackPr0n-Death-> and you guys are messaging
CrackPr0n-Death-> and one of them she goes, oh mikey's here we're gonna go get my corsage today
CrackPr0n-Death-> and you were all oh?
CrackPr0n-Death-> and it continued for another about 25 min
CrackPr0n-Death-> then we goto sleep, then wes calls
KidZero> wtf? I don't remember saying that to me
CrackPr0n-Death-> then we get up
CrackPr0n-Death-> i do, i was there when it was sent
CrackPr0n-Death-> even then
CrackPr0n-Death-> on the way back from the corsage she msgs you when she saw her ex
CrackPr0n-Death-> then constantly all the way to mitsuwa
CrackPr0n-Death-> then while we're there
CrackPr0n-Death-> then back home
CrackPr0n-Death-> and wes calling
CrackPr0n-Death-> honestly, between the two of you, i'm never alone with her
CrackPr0n-Death-> and even on monday
CrackPr0n-Death-> you did a couple of times
KidZero> I'm gonna do you a huge favor
KidZero> I'll break contact w/ her
CrackPr0n-Death-> ...
CrackPr0n-Death-> and that does what?
KidZero> so now you have no worries from me
CrackPr0n-Death-> YOU guys are friends
Session Time: Thu May 31 00:00:00 2001

KidZero> one less person to think about
CrackPr0n-Death-> i know you are
CrackPr0n-Death-> i'm glad you guys are
CrackPr0n-Death-> but think about me a little
CrackPr0n-Death-> no for reals
CrackPr0n-Death-> andy now think back
CrackPr0n-Death-> when you were with kim
CrackPr0n-Death-> how'd you feel if i msg'ed her all the time
CrackPr0n-Death-> when you guys were with each other
CrackPr0n-Death-> when you weren't
KidZero> wtf!?
KidZero> how can you compare!?
CrackPr0n-Death-> sorry, best example i can think of
CrackPr0n-Death-> you're gonna get jealous
CrackPr0n-Death-> for reals, you talk to her more than i do
KidZero> wait wait
KidZero> when I was w/ Kim
KidZero> you talked to her more than I did
CrackPr0n-Death-> no i didn't
CrackPr0n-Death-> i barely talked to her
KidZero> heck, you know more about her than I did!
CrackPr0n-Death-> not until after
CrackPr0n-Death-> i barely knew her until after she got out of the hospitol
CrackPr0n-Death-> but it's that
CrackPr0n-Death-> how'd you feel if she spent her time talking to me when you guys were together
CrackPr0n-Death-> i wanted to fucking cry when i was with her
CrackPr0n-Death-> sitting there while you guys talked
KidZero> dood, compare you to me is way diff
KidZero> me, I wouldn't care if you talked to Kim most of the time
CrackPr0n-Death-> while you guys are together?
KidZero> yeah
KidZero> I wouldn't
CrackPr0n-Death-> yeah you go pick her up
CrackPr0n-Death-> and have dinner
CrackPr0n-Death-> while you guys are at dinner
CrackPr0n-Death-> i decide to call her
CrackPr0n-Death-> and talk to her on the phone for 40 min
KidZero> yeah, if you did, I wouldn't care
CrackPr0n-Death-> that's bull shyt
KidZero> bull shit my ass
CrackPr0n-Death-> the situation is different only because of the time
KidZero> your right
KidZero> the situation is different
CrackPr0n-Death-> if you had a g/f right now and i did that
KidZero> so what is the point of bringing Kim in this
CrackPr0n-Death-> you'd be pissed or something
KidZero> how would you know
CrackPr0n-Death-> because i don't know any suitable names to replace with her
KidZero> that's is based on your assumption
CrackPr0n-Death-> because anyone would
CrackPr0n-Death-> it's an intrution on your personal time
KidZero> then if it's an intrusion on personal time
KidZero> then you should say "hey, tell who ever to call back later"
CrackPr0n-Death-> it's hard to
KidZero> hard to!?
CrackPr0n-Death-> when she's sitting there smiling
CrackPr0n-Death-> laughing
KidZero> your in a relationship damn it!
KidZero> you gotta learn to balance!
CrackPr0n-Death-> what?
CrackPr0n-Death-> you must not know her very well
CrackPr0n-Death-> because the chances of her going, oh i need to go
CrackPr0n-Death-> or i'm busy
CrackPr0n-Death-> are not that high
CrackPr0n-Death-> cuz she dosen't want to hurt the feelings of whoever it is
CrackPr0n-Death-> i'm not trying to attack you or anything
KidZero> you know what, fuck it, I'm gonna break all contact, you can sort this out between her
CrackPr0n-Death-> ...
CrackPr0n-Death-> andy think about this
CrackPr0n-Death-> she likes
CrackPr0n-Death-> you
CrackPr0n-Death-> if you do this what does that mean?
CrackPr0n-Death-> yeah i know you have your own problems
Session Close: Thu May 31 00:13:29 2001

yay, i may have just lost a good friend... now what. was i wrong to get jealous? whenever i was alone with her they'd be messaging each other, or wes would call, or something. and it was if yeah i'm holding her, but she's not really there. monday was wonderful, she ignored them... for the most part. and i was what was important... and it felt amazing. and then things ended... and i lost site of what was. now i don't know where i stand. i've heard so much... i should wait, i should say something, i should end it, i should give up. i promised her i'd wait for her forever... i intend to do that. i will wait by herside until the day she doesn't want me there anylonger. i love her too much to give up. i made my mistakes, but i can try again if she lets me... i'm not perfect, none of us are... and if she believes i don't deserve another chance, maybe it's better that way... but don't i deserve another chance?

2001-05-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

today has been an odd day. i finally learned whats bothering her... well comfronting a little was it was what i thought it was. still hurts. i know i've fucked up. i just didn't realize how bad. everything now, i'm so sorry. it still doesn't explain why no one offered to help or anything. and the only people who've made me feel significantly better are Rene, kimi, joanna, and of all people... the one who seemed to care the most, who helped me when he could tell that something was just sorta wrong... was Chango.

i know i fucked up bad, but i didn't know any better. really. everything is new to me... relationship... love... someone actually caring about me. someone who actually wants to be there for me. and i fucked up.

Cici... i'm so sorry, you have no idea how sorry i am... if i knew... well... i'm always here for you when you need me. if you ever need me for any reason i'll be there for you, just like i was before when you needed me. and i promise i'll change.

I love you... and i'm so sorry...

2001-05-28T05:15:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the most depressing day i can remember. she really hurt me... seriously hurt me. not on purpose or anything... but she thinks by hiding herself, not telling me things she can avoid not hurting me... she's wrong, this hurts more than anything she could tell me. i was hurt saturday... and we still didn't really resolve it, we both just sorta laid it out... but nothing was answered. i wanted to lay everything out yesterday and answer everything... why was she acting the way she did... what was bothering her. so i called her and she said she'll try to come down. i call 2 hours later, and she's in andy's car on the way to ai... she'd rather goto ai then be with me and figuire things out... this hurt a lot, especially since they didn't tell me... i ask how long they're gonna be there(this at like 6:40) so i'm expecting her home at like 10 so i can talk to her. 1:15 hits and for the most part i was crying until then.i call... she says they went to go watch a movie... and they're at the block. the block is a whole 5 min away from me. this made me fall down crying even more. i was seriously bawling on the ground. 5 min away. and they didn't tell me. this made me question everything even more. how does she really feel about me. she wouldn't have done that if she really loved me... why does she spend more time with andy than me? aren't you supposed to spend more time with the one you love than his friend? it hurt so much. this day, the day i felt alone again. the day that made me revisit everything i hated... this day reminded me of how i felt after maryanne... i never wanted to feel this pain again. i wanted to die... i've never said that before... but for once... i wanted to die. i don't think she realizes what she's doing to me. she knew i felt jealous of this... of the other guys and her... but to blantantly go out with andy yesterday and not tell me... it killed me... i seriously love her so much, and i'm so scared of losing her. help me... please...

2001-05-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

wow the past 2 days have been fucking horrible. i've never enjoyed life, i've never really thought of anything. what's been going on to actual make me feel worst? ha, how appropriote right? my family... cici... i love her, i don't know about relationships... how they work or whatever. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, or her... how we're supposed to react. so if i'm screwing up i want to know. why doesn't she tell me? she's so scared of hurting people, but if she doesn't open up it'll happen again... and we both will end up hurt. i miss her so much right now. she has her own life... and i'm not that important to her. God... i hate being who i am. such a fucking loser. so no one cares about me... that's fine... it's something i'm used too. my hatred to the world. i love cici and wish i was more to her. my family is getting to me again. relatives comparing kids again. well apparently my aunts and uncles are planning to throw a grad party for me. every grad party was thrown by the parents of the kdis that graduated in our family. this is what happened. my uncle wanted to give me money for my grad cuz he believed I was super graduate like person. well my dad told him i wasn't graduating. so he told other relatives. now look... hey' we're comparing kids, so let's put ours ahead by messing there's up. let's throw a grad party. Now first off i wouldn't want a grad party even if i was graduating for sure. but now... it's great. ugh... enjoying all of this, i know he fucking is... playing with my fucking life. cuz i'm sick of this, and life... why the fuck can't they just let me be. why do they have to screw up my life. because i care about people... i hate it... i hate everything. for the first time i seriously wish i was dead...

2001-05-25T02:46:00.000-07:00

talked to cici on the phone tonight... came up with a lot of stuff... i started crying. i'm such a fucked up loser. i don't think i'm graduating... atleast i don't think i'm walking, i'm gonna have to bust summer course and shyt. she doesn't deserve some crap loser like me. but she doesn't care. she thinks i'm beyond that, that i'm some amazing guy that's there for her... i love her so much. i honestly am scared now. what if she leaves me... i don't know what i would do if she left me. i mean, i know i could live and go on, and accept it. but what would it do to me? she's irreplacable. if we do happen to break apart someday... she will always hold this place in my heart... the love i hold for her is forever... undying and uncomparable. this'll probably scare her when she reads it... she means more to me than anything now... i love her so dearly, that... i wish i could go back and fix my life for her.

2001-05-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

hmmm... today was nice... went down to see cici, went to get corsage(that right?) went to mitsuwa for some food and screwing around. then to her place again where we went to sleep. well she did i was up.

i seperated because this was strange...

at first we did usual thing kiss a lil then lay down. i'm wearing cords and a white t-shirt with a button up shirt over it. she's in a white tank top and her pj' pants cuz it was sorta hot. well just holding her looking at her while she slept. the position she was in was like you know in eva where shinji is looking at asuka? like that where her chest is pushed together and you can sorta see down her shirt even if you don't try. i was about 3 in over her. she looked so heavenly. honestly... she looked so amazing. i didn't know what i was thinking. for a lil' i went numb*for about 15 min* just looking at her. i melted... all of my emotion everything was trapped in her at that moment. i didn't know what i was thinking all i can rem was thinking... I want her to be with me forever... i want to give her my mind my body my soul. i want to give her everything. i want her to feel the pleasure of love... i want her to feel the emotion of my heart... i want her to be happy. then her dad said something that was fuzzy cuz i wasn't thinking or something, something about needles. well she moved and turned the other way. so i laid next to her and held her(spooning-ish like). and fell asleep. well i dreamt(which i find sorta not suprising) of making love with her... eh... which i shouldn't have cuz it was still in my mind when we got up... eh not like we did, or coulda or anything. i lucked out so much with this entire thing... her, everything. she's so magnificent. yesterday we were talking. and i asked her, why she fell in love with me. she told me because i didn't give up, that i had this feeling of love, of unconditionally following this feeling. of true emotion. and she said that... it she just fell for me in that same way. i love her so much. she means so much to me. that at this point in my life... where nothing was going right, that nothing woulda made me happy. i truly belived my life was at the point of destruction... and her smile made me happy. her touch made me whole. she's given me life again. i need to repay her... i truly love her and hope she will be with me forever.

2001-05-22T02:17:00.000-07:00

hee hee, well i gave cici her shirt today, i can't wait to see her in it. OUSH KAWAII!!!!!! she's getting mad at me... i bought her the shirt, a tare panda bag, and i'm getting the pj's for her tommorow. oi /me looks in wallet... i hope i have enough. hahahhahaha... but even though she says she doesn't want me to get them, i know she wants them. so just to see her smile for that lil' instant before she kicks my ass is worth it. i mean, i can't give her anything amazing, just lil' things she wants. i love getting her things... i know i shouldn't(cuz i cant afford it really) but i don't care. she says i'm spoiling her... not really. i'm not like paying for her life, just getting her lil' things here and there. it's like Isaac(her friend) said in his post on his blog. it's not for any reason other than, "i'm nice". i just want her to be happy.

-=/ she was talking about not fitting in... and it went to her saying she just wants someone to listen. i don't know if what i'm doing is right or not. i'm listening and i just respond with what i think about it, not trying to solve her problems or whatnot, but just tell her what i think. it's hard to just listen and not say anything, because you wonder what they're feeling. you want them to feel better. hmmm... i really wish she would tell me more

2001-05-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

hmmm, hungry right now, i'll be back after i make food...

ok... well i've been sorta something i normally would never see myself being. i totally horny kid. i latched on to her like all i wanted was sex(which wasn't actually what i wanted or anything, just a comparison). but yeah... i didn't even realize it until last night at AI when i was talking to alice. shyt... i'm so sorry, cici. uhm, the rest of the weekend was OK, E3 wasn't to grand but kool i guess. being with her was better spending my time, honestly.

other than that... prom, was looking at tux's/suits. gonna go rent it this weekend i think -=) so nothing else, bai bai

2001-05-19T04:50:00.000-07:00

hmmm... well spent the day with cici... hahhahah was rather interesting. us being totally ecchi for no reason... us being stupid for no reason... HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA oi was hillarious. assgrabbage liek what. HAHHAHAHAHA. oi, gonna goto E3 today for teh para para thingey... but that's all. i'd rather go see her, but she's sorta threatening me to go. i guess i'll hang out with ike then. hmmm... for now that's it i guess, not much happening.

2001-05-17T02:52:00.000-07:00

Jon, you should really stop reading this... i don't really mind it, but for your sake or whatnot. you told me "your not gonna interfere" or whatever. then why are you reading up on "us". why should it matter what happens between me and her?

ugh... she's sad/angry right now... what am i to do? i don't like her being sad... i wish i could change this. to make her happy... make her joyful. she does so much to make me happy... just seeing her in that dress, it was so amazing, she looked so magnificent, it was literally breathtaking. i didn't know what to do or say. i just froze. we went to Babies' R Us for her project. it was so strange but so fun. Going shopping for "our" kid. hahahha... she got all motherlike. i love her and everything. i can see myself being married... shopping for a child of our own for reals. :::sigh::: tommorow's another day, i'll try to cheer her up then... hopefully she'll be happy when i give her the shirt. /me realizes he needs to get money to alice... /me looks in wallet and sees 10$... Fuck.

2001-05-16T01:21:00.000-07:00

oi complicatons in life for reals. well cici's mom came back. cici isn't very happy about this. so much going on in her life... i need to support her though. heh. don't want her getting down. i hate seeing her sad... i love her so much that it hurts me to see her even sad a lil' bit. well we saw eachother today... we were supposed to meet up like at 2:30 but change of plans. she came at liek 8. met at shgl where suprisingly i met up with chris. hahah i'm all eh? saying good bye was so hard. i didn't want her to leave. i didn't want to leave her.

took my ap... think i did ok enough for a 3(I HOPE!!!!!). ugh, so confuzzled. life is going ok, but school... family. if it weren't for that i'd be so happy. i gotta get pass this... so i can be happy with her, so i can make her happy.

2001-05-13T23:41:00.000-07:00

the weekend is over, and the last time i'm gonna really spend a long period of time with her(and crash at her house). this weekend was amazing. a lot of firsts for me(b'ah which firsts... if you needed to know i'll tell you, but don't jump to conclusions) so amazing she is. she never for one second ceases to amaze me. her beauty, her personality, her affection, her care... her touch. i'm so in love with her, every part of her. i've also come to realize.. that i'm no longer scared of anything. that i'm no longer scared to do anything. i'm comfortable with her and everything... who she is, and whatever is to happen is. completeness...

well in other news, KOB took place. i got 3rd... YAY! Amie=GOddess of Beat... Orofski got 2nd. things are going so grand now. just 2 problems left. health class and my family. once i get out of these two(by graduating hopefully, and then getting out of the house this summer...) my life goes to mine and everything will come to place. i'm so estatic... i want to be with her forever.

2001-05-10T02:19:00.000-07:00

i would say something about what's going on, but why? i'm gonna talk to her tommorow, w00t suprise visit with rose=winner! i'll update tommorow night...